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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25591666">The Experiments</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyloswarstars/pseuds/kyloswarstars'>kyloswarstars</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Divergent - All Media Types, Divergent Series - Veronica Roth</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Eric Coulter - Freeform, Experiment, F/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:09:32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>42,173</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25591666</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyloswarstars/pseuds/kyloswarstars</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Reader lived her whole life in the London experiment – but then everything falls apart. The Bureau saves her family and wants her to go inside the fence from Chicago to prevent Jeanine from destroying what is left of the five factions.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Eric (Divergent) &amp; Original Character(s), Eric (Divergent)/Original Character(s), Eric (Divergent)/Original Female Character(s), Eric (Divergent)/You</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once there had been oceans full of water, waves crashed on the coasts, over and over again. Mountains were covered in snow for thousands of years, glinting in the sun without melting. There had been green, hundreds of shades of it, as far as the eye could see. And animals running through the desserts, claiming the world as theirs.</p>
<p>That was at least what you had been told. Because the people had destroyed it. All of it. The Purity War had brought destruction over the planet. It left a world behind, no one wanted to live in anymore.</p>
<p>Always aware of that, you had been raised in a family that knew about those things. Inside a fence of an experiment city to rebuild a society that wouldn’t do something that stupid again.</p>
<p>Around the world only a few of those cities still existed. But the people in it didn’t know about it. They were living in a lie, a system that should eradicate the bad genes in the people, that had been responsible for the world’s destruction. They were supposed to live in a Petri dish until enough people made themselves free of those bad genes. Until enough Divergents had risen.</p>
<p>You had been born and lived your whole life inside a fence, in a city that was once called London. Your parents had been members of the Bureau of Genetic Welfare, stationed in the Europe department. They called it the ‚Europe department‘ because the war didn’t leave any countries behind. The world wasn’t divided in countries anymore, there were no borders or governments left. It was one big mess.</p>
<p>You grew up with the secret of your parents. They had been sent inside the fence to prevent the London’s faction decay. The system faced a breakdown, sooner or later that happened in every experiment city. People, even when they were locked up inside a fence and divided into five factions, repeated what had gotten them there in the first place. All they seemed to be able to do was destroying themselves. No matter how hard the Bureau tried to erase the bad genes.</p>
<p>Except one city. The Chicago Experiment was the most promising. The faction system worked, not without flaws, but good enough for the intended goal.</p>
<p>When things got really bad in London and the Bureau lost the last hope that the city would recover, they took you and your family out and brought you back to the Europe department. Then they wiped the memories of every single person inside the fence and started over.</p>
<p>Even if you knew how things worked, it was heartbreaking to watch at the monitors how your people got overwritten. In a single day the Bureau erased decades of endeavour to rebuild the humanity. They made your friends forget who you were.</p>
<p>Dauntless had been your home for only a year and you shouldn’t miss the faction system, but you did miss Dauntless’ values. The past year you had tried to hold London together, just like your parents, like your siblings, but it didn’t work. A few weeks after your Choosing Ceremony, the factions declared war against each other. They had waited until the newest members completed their initiation. Then hell broke loose.</p>
<p>There hadn’t been individuals, no Divergents, not anyone, to stop it. The factions fought for domination over the others. Only five people – your parents, your siblings and you – tried to restore the peace. But London didn’t want peace. So they got a memory wipe.</p>
<p>Inside the fence, you didn’t get any input on the other experiment cities. After your arrival at the Europe department, and some time to adjust outside the fence, they instructed you on the Chicago Experiment.</p>
<p>Pretty soon they made clear how your life should be spent, without actually saying it. They wanted you to get inside the fence again. But this time it should be Chicago instead of London.</p>
<p>„It’s the most successful experiment of all but lately the system is crumbling. Jeanine, Erudite leader, hunts down Divergents. In the Bureau we can’t do a lot about it. You are supposed to go in there, get into Dauntless and become a leader as soon as possible.“</p>
<p>„Why?“</p>
<p>Tom, the leader of the Europe department, had called you in for a meeting. They haven’t talked to you about this before, you had just assumed it. „We need you to prevent anymore destruction. Jeanine wants to use Dauntless for her plans. A leader with enough resistance is needed.“</p>
<p>„Is my family coming with me?“</p>
<p>„You are expected to start a family on your own.“</p>
<p>Tom was stone cold. Your parents had told you most of the Bureau people were repelling. Irony for you because their aim was to restore humanity, still they were unfriendly and rigid.</p>
<p>/////</p>
<p>The next weeks had been spent with training for your resettlement to Chicago. They made you go through the Aptitude Test a hundred times to make sure you would get Dauntless. Did they even care what had been going on in London? Didn’t they see you already were a Dauntless?</p>
<p>Your results had been Dauntless every time. Not one single time did the test say something else. At least you were allowed to train with your siblings for the upcoming Dauntless initiation. Selwyn had been a Dauntless too, he had transferred five years before you. Valerie transferred the same year to Candor.</p>
<p>In your brother’s eyes you didn’t need more training. The last year had formed you enough. But the Bureau told you what to do, not Selwyn.</p>
<p>Days of punching your knuckles bloody and studying the history of the Chicago Experiment turned into weeks. And those unfortunately led to the day where you left the Europe department. Saying goodbye to your family wasn’t the worst. The worst was not knowing if you would ever see them again.</p>
<p>It took a long flight over what once was the Atlantic. Oceans had covered most parts of the planet a long time ago. Now the Atlantic had shrunken to a minimum, only leaving a little blue in a dried out seabed behind. You couldn’t imagine how much water there must have been on earth before everything went downhill.</p>
<p>The Europe department couldn’t be compared with the headquarters of the Bureau of Genetic Welfare. It was ten times bigger. And there were a lot more people. They eyed you like an alien – one of those things from outer space, people thought they existed a long time ago. It was a fitting metaphor.</p>
<p>„You don’t see a lot of experiment people here, huh?“ Tom had accompanied you on the travel to Chicago. He would make sure you would fulfil your duty and go back inside the fence.</p>
<p>„They do. But they never saw someone from London Experiment.“</p>
<p>„We’re the most fucked up, I heard.“</p>
<p>He guided you to the last briefing before you would head to the city. „You shouldn’t identify with them.“</p>
<p>And you knew why. You were a GP, all the others in London, besides your family, were GDs. „But I do.“</p>
<p>„Then don’t show it.“</p>
<p>You hadn’t thought they wouldn’t take advantage of you. You just didn’t think it would happen so soon after they got you out of London <cite>and</cite> separate you from your family.</p>
<p>David, an even more repelling man than Tom, welcomed you at the headquarters. He was utterly happy seeing you here. All through his conceited monologue he smiled in your face. He told you what you had achieved and compared it to his achievements – which were so much more and so much better of course. Then he came to the important part.</p>
<p>„The next Choosing Ceremony will be in two months. There is a woman like you in Abnegation, her kids are a little younger than you, they will choose next year. We’ll settle everything so the people around you will think you were always part of their family.“ </p>
<p>„And then I’m going to choose Dauntless.“</p>
<p>„Yes. Do you have any tattoos from your time in the London Experiment?“ You nodded. And it wasn’t a small amount. „For problems like that you’ll get a supply of memory serum. Make sure to use it in every situation that could cause the loss of your identity.“ You nodded again. „Important is to remember what will happen if you don’t succeed.“ He walked towards you and that conceited smile was gone. „London will happen.“</p>
<p><cite>London will happen. Again.</cite> The faces, of people that got overwritten and didn’t know what happened, lingered in your head. „Why not choose Erudite?“ You had spent sixteen years in Erudite, that was enough. You didn’t want to go back but you were curious. When Jeanine was the problem, than why not transferring to her faction?</p>
<p>„It’s too late to put you in Erudite because they already had their inside revolution. Dauntless is the key. If they resist, the experiment is not lost.“</p>
<p>„That should be difficult. Dauntless’ are soldiers – they don’t disobey orders, they follow them.“</p>
<p>His nasty smile reappeared on his face. „That is up to you to change.“</p>
<p>/////</p>
<p>Tom handed you a folder before he left your quarters. You were supposed to rest before tomorrow but you couldn’t. You studied the papers about the family you would be soon part of until you would transfer to Dauntless later. You read the documentations about recent events and refreshed the information about who is who.</p>
<p>You couldn’t sleep a single minute. After laying in bed for five hours, you got up to do push ups. But not even ten sets could exhaust you enough to go to sleep.</p>
<p>When dawn came around, you changed into the Abnegation clothes, the Bureau had given you, and headed out. The few weeks outside the fence hadn’t been enough to get used to the feeling that you were actually <cite>outside</cite> the fence. In general it didn’t feel a lot of different because the Purity War had left a world behind you didn’t even want to see.</p>
<p>David didn’t give final instructions. Your mission was clear.</p>
<p>They flew you as close as possible. You could see the city from afar and the huge fence that surrounded it. It seemed smaller than London but somehow familiar.</p>
<p>You tried to suppress the emotions that would cause panic. Not long ago you had fought as a Dauntless in another experiment city, saw your friends die, your people, your faction, and now you were going back in an experiment city. Your chest tightened – you didn’t want to see something like that again. And you would do anything in your power to prevent it. The Divergents needed to live. The experiments needed to stop. This world needed another chance.</p>
<p>Climbing out, you ducked and waited till they disappeared. The smell was different. The last moments you spent in London were dominated by smoke. The air over here was clean, it cut right through your lungs.</p>
<p>You were supposed to make it to the Amity greenhouses in the area outside of the fence. They had told you the woman would meet you there. With a brain like yours, programmed to remember a high amount of details, you instantly orientated yourself.</p>
<p>It was a long, but fast walk until you saw glass peaking through the leaves of the many trees. And you didn’t have to wait for long until you heard footsteps approaching you. </p>
<p>The sun was just rising and gave a little hint on the colour of the person’s clothes they were wearing: Grey. That must be her.</p>
<p>„Y/N?“ She came to a stop right in front of you. And smiled. That helped to reduce the panic that was building up inside of you.</p>
<p>„Yes.“ You tried your hardest to smile back.</p>
<p>„I’m Natalie.“ Without to wait for your permission, she embraced you in a tight, long hug. You had left your mother only two days ago but you had already missed those embraces only a mother could give. „Your new family is waiting for you. We should get moving before Amity wakes up.“ She grabbed your small backpack, that only contained a huge supply of memory serum, and shouldered it.</p>
<p>Seventy steps later you found yourself back inside a fence again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chicago’s Amity was completely different from London’s. There was more green in one place than you had ever seen all together. So many trees surrounded the fields where they grew all kinds of vegetables and cereals. It looked healthy, it seemed like everything was working the way it should. It was peaceful. Amity back home had desperately tried to keep things together. But, like everything, it didn’t work. Another point on the list why everything failed: not enough food resources.</p>
<p>Natalie told you about the tracks that spread all through the city. Trains were mostly used by Dauntless here because they hardly ever stopped. She also told you that you couldn’t ride the train yet, it would be too risky. Not because of your physical abilities but because of the fact that you were an Abnegation for the next two months.</p>
<p>You didn’t mind. In London you never had the privilege to use a train at all. There was an underground system for them, but that collapsed decades before you were even born.</p>
<p>The way from the fence to Abnegation led through a dried out river bed. You passed a lot of destroyed buildings, ruins actually, that remembered you of London. Natalie knew what she was doing, she took specific alleys and occasionally led you trough some of the ruins. The sky wasn’t red anymore, it was already blue and the sun a point you couldn’t look at without it being instantly burned into your eyelids.</p>
<p>The Abnegation clothes made it harder to take real steps. You weren’t used to long skirts or dresses or whatever that was. You were used to tight pants you could run in from something if you had to. But you could arrange with that for now. They covered all your tattoos that needed to be hidden until you had transferred to Dauntless.</p>
<p>People started to cross your path the closer you got to Abnegation. Natalie linked her arm with yours and held you close at her side.</p>
<p>You always knew that you were part of an experiment but you never had been a real part of the Bureau’s staff until now. There were still a lot of things you were questioning and didn’t know about. You knew the theory but not the praxis.</p>
<p>„And they will think I’m part of your family? Just like that?“ You kept your voice low. You had only seen how the memory serum was used on everyone in London and the seconds after it. But you didn’t know what actually happened the days after that. They refused to tell you about it and kept the information from you. Not even your parents got an update about the situation inside London’s fence after they bailed you out.</p>
<p>„They will think you have always been here. They will think you have always been a Prior. Don’t worry about it now. Let’s get home first.“ <em>Home.</em> Home was London. Home didn’t exist anymore.</p>
<p>It surprised you that Abnegation had their own little village inside a city with a lot of buildings. All of that cubes looked still very new. Wasn’t that selfish – something they didn’t want to be – to build houses for them to live in when there were already enough houses? They were damaged, yes, but in London that didn’t make a difference. Abnegation lived in centuries-old buildings like any other faction. There hadn’t been a lot of space between the different factions though, usually only a few streets. Maybe that was yet another point for Chicago – keeping more distance between the factions.</p>
<p>The cube houses didn’t have any numbers so you needed to count and remember which one belonged to Natalie’s family. To <em>your new</em> family. Around that time the city hadn’t been loud at all, but inside this concrete block it was deafening silent. Maybe it was the panic inside you, that hadn’t fade away yet completely, but it was <em>too</em> silent. Silence had never been your thing. You always needed sound, even if it was only a wind blowing or some water rushing through pipes.</p>
<p>„They’re already gone. Andrew off to work, the kids to school.“ Natalie guided you into the kitchen, sat you down and handed you a glass of water. „It’s too quiet, right? I know that feeling from when I transferred from Dauntless to Abnegation. You’ll get used to it.“</p>
<p>„I thought you were from outside the fence?“</p>
<p>„I am. But like you, I moved to the city before the Choosing Ceremony.“ Natalie brought two plates and some bread. After she had made the breakfast, you remembered the one Abnegation ‚rule‘ where the family helps together with that kind of stuff. But you weren’t part of that so called family for long enough that you would remember those rules instantly.</p>
<p>„Without your family?“</p>
<p>„Just like you.“ She sat down next to you. „But unlike you, I didn’t have any family I left behind when I came to Chicago.“</p>
<p>The bread slipped out of your hand and fell to the floor. You didn’t know the mere mention of your family could get you out of concept that easily. To think about them was something else, but Natalie mention them? Right now you just wanted to take your legs and run away. All the way back to the Europe department.</p>
<p>„How much do you know about me?“</p>
<p>She bent over to pick up the bread and gave it to you. „Not that much. But I’d be glad to hear more if you want to talk.“ Her inviting smile, again, helped to reduce the panic a little. The fact that you would be part of her family now, hadn’t settled in with you yet. „You’re not from that continent, aren’t you?“</p>
<p>„No,“ you took a deep breath. „I’m from Europe, London experiment.“</p>
<p>„I think it’s beautiful how you can still hear the accent after all those years of destroyed culture.“</p>
<p>Your eyes went wide. Besides physical training and history, you had also worked on your language because the Bureau had told you that people in Chicago talked differently. „You can hear it?“ <em>That’s a problem. Only one morning in and already a problem.</em></p>
<p>„I can hear it because I know that there are people out there who have different accents. No one else will hear it.“</p>
<p>„Are you sure?“</p>
<p>„I guarantee.“ Her face lit up again. How could she be so relaxed in all this? „How is London?“</p>
<p><em>London will happen. Again.</em> Those words didn’t leave you anymore – David’s intention of course. <em>„Was.</em> London was a war zone in the end. I guess it’s not anymore but I don’t know exactly.“</p>
<p>She felt your hesitation, you could see it, and she didn’t push it any further.</p>
<p>After breakfast Natalie showed you your room. Four cold walls without any paintings or art, just the most necessary things. You couldn’t say you ever saw an Abnegation home in London but here in Chicago all that grey would make your eyes go crazy after a while. You were sure of that.</p>
<p>She explained you a lot about the daily life in Abnegation. You were thankful for her insider information because most of the things she told you hadn’t been mentioned in your preparation for the mission.</p>
<p>After some time you found yourself sharing memories with Natalie. Uncomplicated memories that wouldn’t awake the panic again. Memories from before things got bad for real.</p>
<p>She twisted her head to the side. „Andrew is at the front door,“ Natalie whispered to you before she got up.</p>
<p>And all of a sudden your palms got sweaty. The few people who had met you on your way to the Prior house, hadn’t really cared about you walking the streets of Chicago. Now it would be different.</p>
<p>The front door opened. A tall men, Andrew, stepped inside and was greeted by Natalie. You didn’t mention anything. She took his coat and led him to the living room, where you had spent the last two hours in.</p>
<p>„Y/N? Why are you not in school?“</p>
<p>„I-“ No words. Impossible to answer him.</p>
<p>„She felt sick, I picked her up,“ Natalie came to your help. </p>
<p>Andrew closed the space between you and him and rested his hand on your head, looking into your eyes. „Are you feeling better yet?“</p>
<p>You were completely startled. You expected this, they had told you they would set up everything. But you also <em>didn’t</em> expect it. It was like being in the Dauntless simulation and trying to conquer your fears, knowing that everything wasn’t real, just completely reversed.</p>
<p><em>London will happen. Again.</em> Those four words finally gave you the power to suppress your upcoming panic. „Yes. Thank you, Andrew.“</p>
<p>He stopped on his way into the kitchen and turned back around. Irritation turned slowly into a small smile. „Since when are you calling me <em>Andrew?</em> What happened to dad?“</p>
<p>„Maybe I’m not that good yet, dad.“ Calling him ‚dad‘ was like ramming a knife right through your heart. It was the first moment you felt like you would betray your own family. Especially your real dad.</p>
<p>„Why don’t you get some rest before dinner, Y/N?“</p>
<p>You nodded, heaved yourself off the sofa and walked past them. London had shown you a big diversity of staircases but today, right now, those were the hardest steps to climb. They brought you temporarily away from the two people you needed to refer as parents now, but also catapulted you even more into being an Abnegation now. </p>
<p>You fall onto the mattress and didn’t move. You didn’t adjust your hair that fell out of the bun Natalie had made. The arm between body and mattress grew stiff but you didn’t move. Eventually you fell asleep, your body trying to make up with the lack of sleep.</p>
<p>A knock on the door woke you up again, the voice of a boy telling you dinner was ready.</p>
<p>You could hardly keep your eyes open but you managed to fix your hair and stood up. <em>Here is to the first dinner with the family.</em></p>
<p>The daylight didn’t shine through your window anymore, but the hallway was not as dark as your room. You saw her the moment you opened your door. The girl, Natalie’s daughter. She walked up to your opened door and uncrossed her arms when her eyes locked with yours.</p>
<p>„Who are you? What are you doing here?“ She had one of those stares that combined protective instinct for her family and fear of the unknown. „Why is my family thinking you are a part of our family?“</p>
<p>The tiredness still made it hard to think straight. Her questions reached you with some delay. But when they reached you, they hit hard. Like a fist. <em>Bloody hell, she is a Divergent.</em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>She is a Divergent.</em> The sudden realisation banished the tiredness. You grabbed her wrist and pulled her to your room. She tried to break the grip, but you were stronger. You shoved her into the room and closed the door. „Did you question them about it?“ You could see how her brain worked: how she wanted to reach out for information, but was also scared of the possible answers.</p>
<p>„No.“ Her arms crossed her chest again, a defence mechanism to keep distance between her and the intruder, you.</p>
<p>„It was right not to question them about it! You’re Beatrice, right?“</p>
<p>„Yes, but who are <em>you?“</em> She seemed startled and furious. This must be a frightening experience for her right now.</p>
<p>„I’m Y/N.“</p>
<p>„They talked about you, used your name, but who–“</p>
<p>„I’m from outside the fence.“ Her eyes instantly widened. She probably hadn’t expected that answer, it hadn’t even been one of her guesses. To tell an Abnegation you were from outside the fence hadn’t been something you thought you would do so fast, or at all even. This totally was not how you thought your first day would go.</p>
<p>„What? I thought there was nothing or no one out there.“ Her body started shaking, you could see it even with her arms crossed. „What <em>is</em> out there?“</p>
<p>„Nothing good.“ You couldn’t tell her about the Chicago experiment; she didn’t know and wasn’t allowed to find out about it. They had lied to her about practically everything that was outside the fence. But you needed to tell her enough, so she wouldn’t question more. It was vital that the mission would be kept a secret. „Do you know about the memory serum?“</p>
<p>Beatrice just shook her head.</p>
<p>„I used it on your family, on you too. On literally everyone, to get to the city, to be safe here.“</p>
<p>„You manipulated everyone’s memory to be here? You made yourself part of my family?“ Her voice still had that tone of denial in it, but her eyes already showed how she believed your words, even if she couldn’t find the reason why she did.</p>
<p>„Yes. But apparently the serum didn’t work on you. We wouldn’t have this exchange right now if it did.“</p>
<p>She hesitated. „What… what does that mean?“</p>
<p>„You’re a Divergent,“ you sighed. Beatrice may knew what a Divergent was, but she, for sure, didn’t know that it was currently dangerous to be one in Chicago. „Do you know what that means?“</p>
<p>„Yes.“ If she hadn’t been raised as an Abnegation, she probably would have sat down by now, but her legs didn’t move. „Are you one, too?“</p>
<p>The Bureau always referred to Divergents as GPs: you never viewed yourself as a Divergent until now. „I am.“ But your heart, your soul, was Dauntless. You were a fighter, a warrior even in the last months in London. „Beatrice, it’s important that you don’t talk about it. Not talk to anyone. Not even your mother. Never speak a single word about it. People will chase you if you do.“</p>
<p>„Is that what happened where you come from? Outside the fence?“</p>
<p>„Yeah.“ You decided to lie, it would help her to not talk about it. In London, they didn’t hunt Divergents. Divergents had been irrelevant because they were too caught up in the faction war to care about individuals that didn’t fit in, especially because there hadn’t been any of them.</p>
<p>„So you are here because it’s safer inside the fence then outside?“</p>
<p>Her eyes didn’t leave yours. „Yes. I am sorry, that I infiltrated your family, but I didn’t have another option.“ Somehow you got the feeling that she didn’t buy your last statement, but she didn’t question it. The new information was hard to comprehend.</p>
<p>The boy knocked at the door again, asking for you to come downstairs for dinner. He also knocked at another door, probably Beatrice’s.</p>
<p>„I know it’s a lot to ask from you, but I need you to act like I’ve always been your sister.“</p>
<p>She gulped. The information didn’t settle in yet, how could it? This was information that changed her whole life. You felt bad about it, and you were angry because no one had known she was a Divergent – but you had been trained to react quickly in problematic situations, you could deal with that.</p>
<p>„Okay, but we’ll talk about it again.“ Beatrice left the room and you followed her downstairs.</p>
<p>The first dinner with the Prior family was weird. Andrew talked about his work, Beatrice stared at her plate, you stared at her, Caleb stared between the two of you; Natalie listened to Andrew. Kids are not supposed to speak at the dinner table, not unless they are asked specifically. That helped. But after cleaning up together, the family moved to the living room and then Caleb started to jabber about school. It made you nervous because you didn’t know what to say if someone asked you.</p>
<p>„Are you feeling better, Y/N?“ Andrew sat down next to you. He eyed you with fatherly sorrow.</p>
<p>„Yes.“</p>
<p>„I knew a little rest would help. Do you remember the day where you stumbled over your own feet on the way to school? You slit open your jawline and went back home. Your mother patched it up, and then you ran out of the house to make it to school in time.“</p>
<p>You put your fingers to your face, where a scar moved from below your ear, along your jawline and ended on your cheek. „I remember.“ Though, in your memory it had been a knife that caused the scar.</p>
<p>The whole evening was awkward. You tried to remain nonchalant. Beatrice didn’t look up at you; somewhen she excused herself and went to bed. You did the same shortly after her, but standing at her door, you didn’t know if it was a good idea to talk to her again. Maybe you should give her some time to let everything sink in.</p>
<p>Back in your new room, the bleakness of Abnegation made your thoughts go wild. It was so silent and so bare but it triggered so much in your brain that you took your clothes off and started to do push-ups on the ground.</p>
<p>There was no possibility that the Bureau had cameras in the Prior’s family home. They couldn’t have seen what had happened today; still, you felt guilty about it. You didn’t want them to find out, that on the very first day a problem endangered your mission. Somehow you were ashamed of it. You came on your own to Chicago, and they had sent you in with high expectations. All the pressure pushed you down again, until you couldn’t do push-ups anymore. You let yourself fall to the ground, wiped the sweat from your face and rolled onto your back.</p>
<p>Your chest was heaving but there was not enough air in the room to satisfy the need for oxygen. You also didn’t have water around. The longer you stared at the ceiling, the more persistent the thoughts that cause panic became, so you returned to the push-ups. Over and over again, you pushed yourself off the floor, further away from the stuff that chased through your brain.</p>
<p>Eventually, you got to the point of exhaustion. You broke it. You continued. You battled the weakness in your muscles. You beat the trembling in your arms that wanted you to give up. You continued. You broke the point and went on. Your eyebrows couldn’t hold back the sweat anymore, it ran into your eyes but you just shut them. The pain made you go further.</p>
<p>The knock on your door didn’t reach you. Only when her hand touched your shoulder did you notice Natalie had come into your room.</p>
<p>„I saw the light under your door.“</p>
<p>You laid on the floor for a second, then sat up and leaned back against the bed. Her glance over your body reminded you that you only wore your underwear. All your tattoos were exposed.</p>
<p>She took a seat on the floor and leaned against the door. „That is a lot of tattoos for a Dauntless your age,“ Natalie smiled at you.</p>
<p>„Yeah.“ You were still out of breath. „The silly thing is: I got all of them in a short time during initiation. After initiation everything turned upside down.“</p>
<p>Natalie’s presence didn’t bother you. You couldn’t explain it, but you felt secure around her, welcomed.</p>
<p>„It must have been hard to see your home fall apart.“</p>
<p>„Actually, the hardest part was to see how all of the people got their memory wiped.“</p>
<p>„The memory serum is something you should be careful with.“ Her voice warned you, you just didn’t know what she was warning you about.</p>
<p>„I’m sorry.“ You truly were. „It’s strange how your husband thinks I’m his child. I’m so sorry for intruding on your family like this.“</p>
<p>„I always wanted to have another daughter.“ Natalie really wanted to make you feel better about the situation; something you appreciated but didn’t accept. You couldn’t. How could you?</p>
<p>„It’s not okay.“ Beatrice’s shocked eyes crawled their way into your thoughts.</p>
<p>„It wasn’t your idea.“</p>
<p>„Still, I feel guilty about it.“</p>
<p>„David should, but he never will.“ The bitterness in her voice made you look up. You didn’t even need to ask the question, she just started talking. Natalie told you about him, about the problems she had with him in the past. Technically, she didn’t have a real say with you becoming a part of her family. But she didn’t resist either because she didn’t want Chicago to fall apart. She wanted the Divergents to triumph. And she wanted to help you with your mission. If she had to expend her family because of it, she gladly would.</p>
<p>When she talked about Divergents, your chest grew tight again. And you couldn’t hold it back anymore. „Beatrice is Divergent.“</p>
<p>The first time, since she picked you up this morning, her face went blank.</p>
<p>„She asked me who I was. The serum didn’t work on her. I told her to keep it a secret, not to talk about it, not even to you.“ Natalie started nodding. „My mission could fail. I didn’t tell her a lot. I didn’t mention you were from outside the fence. She believes your memory was wiped too. If I had told her, she would probably talk to you about it.“ She nodded again. „The Bureau watches. And I guess someone else is too.“</p>
<p>„You made the right decision.“ When she found her smile again, she got up on her feet, ready to leave.</p>
<p>„I have a bad feeling about David.“ There, you said it. Her statement earlier only strengthened your feeling. Something about this mission was wrong. You needed to and would fulfil it, but something was completely wrong.</p>
<p>„Me too.“ She patted your shoulder and then left.</p>
<p>That night, you couldn’t sleep again.</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>Two months until the test. After those two months, you could finally start the real part of your mission.</p>
<p>The first day in school had been stunning on so many levels. It took you a week to get accustomed to Chicago, the same but different system, and to the fact that everyone ‚knew you‘.</p>
<p>Two weeks in, you already felt guilty about everything, mostly about your real family, because being a part of the Prior family was everything else but awful. Beatrice didn’t talk to you again about her being Divergent or about you being from outside the fence. You wondered why she didn’t try to talk to you about it again. Besides that, Beatrice and you got really close in a short time. She became some sort of a sister and that terrified you. You didn’t plan on getting too close to anyone. You didn’t want to relive what happened to your friends back in London.</p>
<p>At the start of the fourth week, the guilt nearly got unbearable. That’s when you tried to give Beatrice inconspicuous hints. It may have risked your mission, but you couldn’t leave her in the darkness any longer. You wanted her to be ready when something happened and you couldn’t make it in time.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Being an Abnegation was highly exhausting. You constantly needed to remind yourself to go out of your way, to be quiet and help others. It was a struggle, especially in school. You had made quickly Dauntless friends. To deny who you were wasn’t a thing you liked, but you tried it. Keeping it professional was expected, but it was hard to actually go through with it. Besides you thought it was a good thing for your upcoming time in Dauntless when you already had friends there.</p>
<p>Beatrice helped you to get around. She acted like a real sister without mentioning again that she wasn’t. You were sure she got your little hints because sometimes she hesitated, thought about something, and then did the exact thing she was supposed to do.</p>
<p>Even though you and Beatrice got along very well, you tried not to get too close to her. In fact, you distanced yourself in the last days before your test. Your relationship with the Prior family had been familiar. That kind of familiar that made you forget it wasn’t your actual family in a split second. Natalie found excuses as to why you didn’t come along to help with the factionless. She had sensed how you had built up a wall of disconnection in order to concentrate on your mission, and not on the family.</p>
<p>You had took the Aptitude Test a multiple times as preparation, but you redid it in your head over and over again when you laid awake at night. You were a Dauntless, yes, but there was still a chance you could fail. </p>
<p>Only one more day separated you from being a Dauntless again. Your hands felt for the memory serum. It had gotten a habit over the past two months to close your fists around it in your pockets. It was your protection, more than your fists were, because you couldn’t just knock someone out. Chicago wasn’t London. Not yet and hopefully not in the future. </p>
<p>Today was the day. The Aptitude Test was waiting for you. The way to school made you more nervous with every step you took. Beatrice and you walked the first half on your own, then some of your Dauntless friends accompanied you. They jumped out of the train early to walk the rest of the way together with you.</p>
<p>„Our favourite Abnegations!“ Lily shouted from afar. Right behind her ran Hogan towards Beatrice and you.</p>
<p>They closed the distance and changed from running to walking. „Are you nervous, Y/N?“ Hogan nudged you with his elbow. „For the test?“</p>
<p>You couldn’t return his teasing smile because you <em>were</em> nervous. Not for the test anymore, but simply for the fact that tomorrow would start the real part of your mission. You were excited to be a Dauntless again, but also afraid to follow the Bureau’s orders – feeling the weight of Chicago’s fate on your shoulders wasn’t a feeling you could bear easily.</p>
<p>„No, absolutely not. I already know what it will say.“</p>
<p>The two Dauntless cheered but Beatrice stayed silent. She didn’t say a word since you left the house. You could feel her discomfort but didn’t know what caused it. Beatrice gave you a small smile when you arrived at the school and headed in another direction. Lily and Hogan dragged you along to the first class.</p>
<p>It had been difficult not to make too many friends from different factions. That wasn’t something an Abnegation would do. Still, it had been inevitable to not befriend Lily and Hogan. You had a lot in common with them and somehow they knew it, even when you still tried to hide it.</p>
<p>The nervousness didn’t completely vanish, but it lessened throughout the classes. You focused on only the upcoming test and tried to regain your inner balance. Patience had never been one of your specialties, but the past two months with the Prior’s had taught you a lot. Mostly the four walls you were locked in at night. When you gave up on powering out your body every night, you had moved onto meditation. Focusing on your inner balance was a strategy your sister had taught you. Valerie had always been a very balanced person; the image of her calmed you now while you were waiting for the tests to start.</p>
<p>You were all sitting at the tables in the cafeteria. As an Abnegation, you couldn’t sit with your friends and were left to the other Abnegations that remained silent. At some point they started calling ten student names for each round. Lily and Hogan went in before you. They had waved before they left to the test rooms. Soon, you could just wave back and be a Dauntless again. Your chest grew tight because you already counted the seconds until you stepped foot on Dauntless grounds, but you also didn’t want to leave the Prior’s.</p>
<p>Your name got called in the very last round.</p>
<p>A man, dressed in blue, was waiting in the room for you. He was an Erudite. His eyes took in every movement you made until you sat on the chair. Then he concentrated on the electrodes: one for your temple, one for his. He connected the electrodes on your foreheads with a cable and gave you the liquid that would start the test.</p>
<p>You drank it, laid your head back and closed your eyes.</p>
<p>It didn’t start like the hundred times in training. The sudden realisation that this was a completely different simulation knocked you out of your stride. You couldn’t recall your Dauntless instincts because of your confusion. You acted on your real instincts instead of the ones you had trained.</p>
<p>Even still in the test simulation you were already aware that the result wouldn’t be Dauntless. It wouldn’t exclude <em>any</em> of the factions. The result would be all the factions.</p>
<p>You forced yourself out of the simulation and already had your hand around the memory serum in your pocket.</p>
<p>„What was that?“ The Erudite looked at you, confused and extremely suspicious. „I need to talk to–“</p>
<p>„I don’t think so.“ You jumped up from the chair and dragged him back from the door. Wrapping your arm around his neck you injected the memory serum. „Sorry, mate.“</p>
<p>His eyelids flickered. His eyes looked empty for a few moments. It reminded you of all the Londoners that got memory wiped. <em>London will happen. Again.</em></p>
<p>„My result is Dauntless?“ Ignoring the panic, that had become a constant companion, your voice remained strong and convincing.</p>
<p>He nodded his head, still a little disorientated. „Yes. Your test result is Dauntless.“</p>
<p>„Cool.“ Without looking at him again you left the room. Outside you took the deepest breath in a long time. That could’ve gone wrong. Horribly wrong.</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>You tried not to enjoy the last evening with the Prior’s too much. You also tried not to think about your test. Now the only thing important was tomorrow. After the Choosing Ceremony your mission could finally start. You would transfer, you would train with Hogan and Lily, you would make more friends. You would do anything to become part of Dauntless’ leadership.</p>
<p>Her soft knocking gave away that it was Beatrice. She opened the door and scooted in when she saw you were still awake. Forgetting about her Abnegation manners she sat on the bed with you.</p>
<p>„I’m happy I met you, Y/N,“ she whispered. Beatrice hadn’t talked about you not being a real part of the family since the first time. You didn’t think she would bring it up again.</p>
<p>„Me too.“</p>
<p>She wrapped her arms around her knees and pulled them to her chest. „I still have a lot of questions.“</p>
<p>You nodded. „Why didn’t you ask them?“</p>
<p>She sighed. It seemed like she sighed out the worries of a whole year. „I got all your little hints and tried not to make you feel more uncomfortable than you already were.“ Beatrice offered you all her thoughts that night. She wasn’t the little Abnegation everyone expected her to be. She was awake, she was curious, and you were sure you would see her again in a year – as a transfer to Dauntless.</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>The Choosing Ceremony in Chicago was nearly the same like the one in London. Though, the space where the ceremony was held was a lot different. London once had a palace that was home to the Royals. The factions turned the ruins into the big room that was used for the Choosing Ceremony and other faction gatherings.</p>
<p>Andrew shook your hand as a goodbye, Natalie hugged you shortly and whispered ‚good luck‘ into your ear.</p>
<p>Your feet took you down the staircase, closer to the huge bowls. It was hard to keep the excitement under control. The panic was inside of you, constantly since you had arrived in Chicago, but being so close to Dauntless again made it better.</p>
<p>The knife cut deeper into your hand than it needed to. An unsteady stream of blood dropped on the hot coals. Dauntless cheered for you when you turned around to your true faction. Their energetic and welcoming applause let you forget the panic for a second. Actually for more than a second.</p>
<p>When the ceremony ended, and every faction left, you felt truly relieved. You could run amongst the other Dauntless’. First your legs felt a little rusted, but they kept up with the others. After two months of no running you could still be faster than most of them. A huge smile formed on your lips. Your lungs demanded oxygen, burned for it, made you feel alive again.</p>
<p>You jumped into the train with them. It was the first time you rode a train – a fascinating experience and an awesome way to see more of Chicago. When initiates started to jump out of the train onto a roof you didn’t contemplate long: you took a run-up and jumped on the roof. You absorbed the jump’s speed and walked a few steps until the energy reduced. You had missed the adrenaline. A lot.</p>
<p>„Welcome to Dauntless.“ A deep, raspy voice made you turn into its direction. You looked up right into a pair of grey eyes that belonged to a man with a tattooed neck and some broad shoulders. „I’m Eric, one of your leaders. And this is your way in.“ He pointed behind him, down the roof, but his eyes were glued on you and your smile you couldn’t hide because of your adrenaline rush.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first day in Dauntless didn’t feel at all like coming home. Whatever you expected it to be: it wasn’t what you got. It was a bigger culture shock than Abnegation had been. </p>
<p>The jump into a black hole wasn’t a surprise or a problem. It was a true Dauntless thing, a test to see how brave you were. You needed to hold yourself back from being the first jumper. You constantly needed to remind yourself that you couldn’t show your physical and mental strength. In their eyes you were an Abnegation transfer. Not a warrior that had fought in a destructive faction war.</p>
<p>The surroundings weren’t a problem either. Sure, the Pit was something you hadn’t seen before. In London the centre of Dauntless’ had been the ruins of an old museum with big halls that served as training rooms. Here in Chicago everything was connected through tunnels and steep paths. It was actually pretty cool because you didn’t need to change from one building to another one to get around.</p>
<p>What really bothered you was the way people were interacting with each other. Especially the initiate trainers with the initiates. Four seemed to be a decent guy. He wasn’t that friendly, but he got his job done. It turned out that Four was training the transfers while Eric, a leader of Dauntless, trained the Dauntless borns. Eric was probably the main reason why everything felt so strange. He embodied antipathy like no one else.</p>
<p>You should really stop comparing Chicago to London because the London you knew didn’t exist anymore. Still, you could not not think about how someone like Eric wouldn’t have had a place, nor a position in London’s Dauntless. For you, Dauntless stood for values you didn’t find in him at all. At least not in your first days here. He treated the initiates too rough. His way of training wasn’t productive. Eric used fear, violence and mere cruelty to enforce his orders onto the initiates. And that was the real reason why Dauntless didn’t feel like Dauntless. In your first week you found that a lot of people acted like Eric did. They had been influenced too much by Erudite. Erudite, a faction corrupted by Jeanine Matthews that wanted to turn the people of Dauntless into their killer puppets. And that was exactly where you needed to get into action.</p>
<p>The first few days passed by fast: you thought it had only been hours. The training sessions were a big relief. Even though Dauntless wasn’t Dauntless yet, you instantly appreciated the possibility to power out your body again. It was hard to not give full power. It was even harder not to finish up your opponents in the fights after thirty seconds. You made mistakes on purpose, but you never let them win.</p>
<p>In your second week you started to notice disdain from certain people towards you. Until now your focus had been on understanding the way this Dauntless functioned and keeping your real power hidden.</p>
<p>Your name was ranked second place, something that didn’t please everyone. Hogan and Lily didn’t train with you, so you couldn’t disappear behind Hogan’s back and blend in with the others. Ronny, an Erudite transfer, in particular, eyed you like he wished you would become factionless instantly. His thoughts must run wild and scream in disbelief how an Abnegation could be better than him.</p>
<p>In every training session you wished Four would make you fight against him, but he never let it happen. Not until the second week ended and Eric paid a visit to the transfer’s training session. The first fight he wanted to see was you and Ronny.</p>
<p>Sixteen years in Erudite had taught you that most Erudite’s were too sure of themselves.</p>
<p>Ronny stepped on the mat, too furious and too distracted by his disdain for you. He knew you never lost a fight since day one of initiation, still he thought he could defeat you.</p>
<p>You took a deep breath, remembering what Four had taught you until now, so you knew what techniques to use and what to leave out of the fight. Five punches should be enough to win the fight. Three of them would attack the nervous system and give him incredible pain, and two punches would be to give him a black eye and problems with sitting on his ass again.</p>
<p>Before his fists could reach out to you, you placed the series of punches and had him laying on the mat in under fifteen seconds.</p>
<p>Dead silence filled the training room for a good minute until Ronny cut it with an anguished cry.</p>
<p>You turned away from him and looked into Eric’s grinning face. His eyes locked with yours for a moment. You could see the fascination in them. The past two weeks you had been laying awake at night and tried to figure out how you could implement your plans with Dauntless. Now you finally had an idea: Eric.</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>It didn’t take long until Eric made a move. The evening after your fight with Ronny he told you ‚good fight‘. A few days later, Eric elected you for his ‚Capture the Flag‘ team. From then on he observed more transfer’s training sessions.</p>
<p>Every time he was around you made sure to get his eyes’ attention. If you got close enough you could use him to get an important position after your initiation. Maybe you could even change his way of leading Dauntless, cracking through his fogged mind and ripping Erudite’s toxic influence out of him. Maybe you could even turn him into an ally to fight with.</p>
<p>„Be careful with the blades.“</p>
<p>„Fuck.“ His sudden appearance made you nearly drop the knife. „Not cool, Eric.“ The initiates had a day off, but you were still training. Not because you needed to train of course, but because you wanted to. You hadn’t talked to him yet. Eric was one of those guys who had that stupid hunting instinct and therefore you had kept a good distance, giving him the cold shoulder but making him crazy with intense stares.</p>
<p>„Is there nothing else you want to do on a day off?“</p>
<p>„Why should I?“ You paused throwing knives and walked over to the target to collect them.</p>
<p>„Initiates, especially transfers, shouldn’t get a day off. They should be training until their fingertips are bleeding and their legs can’t bear their weight anymore, but you are the last one that needs to train on a day off.“ He circled you one time and made it impossible for you to throw knives again. His eyes stared down at you and this time there wasn’t a whole training room between the two of you, this time it was only a few inches. „Tell me how can that be?“</p>
<p>„Things are different where I come from.“ As soon as the statement had left your mouth, you wanted to escape the proximity to Eric. His stare turned even more suspicious. How could you blind out the fact that London wasn’t where you came from anymore?</p>
<p>„I didn’t know Abnegation is a place that brings up excellent fighters. Nor that it is a place for heavy swearing.“</p>
<p>„I’m not an excellent fighter. But I won’t deny I’m good at swearing.“</p>
<p>He started to circle you again. „You try to hold yourself back and make everyone believe you are not as good as you are. Everyone else isn’t paying real attention, but I do. What you did with Ronny wasn’t coincidence or luck, that is how you really fight. And it’s nothing you learn in a short time through initiation.“</p>
<p>„Ronny boosted my adrenaline because he is an asshole and I wanted to destroy him for once.“</p>
<p>Eric came to a stop in front of you again and leaned forward. „You are training on a day off because that is exactly what a real Dauntless would do. You never stop, even if you can’t improve anymore, but you need to try. You are more than Dauntless.“</p>
<p>„What should that be?“ Your body stiffened and made itself ready to fight Eric. It was a reflex, you didn’t even have to tell your body to get ready anymore.</p>
<p>„A warrior.“ He didn’t lean back again, his face hovered in front of yours, ready to bite your nose off. He thought his proximity could scare you. It would scare everyone else, but not you.</p>
<p>„Isn’t it inappropriate for a Dauntless leader to talk with initiates about their abilities in that way? And how they’re more than a Dauntless when they aren’t even a Dauntless yet?“ Eric needed to learn one thing really fast: you were not friendly nor yielding. Even when you would try everything to get closer to him in order to become a leader.</p>
<p>He pulled up his eyebrows and curled up the corners of his mouth maliciously as an answer and gave back your personal space. That he had been an Erudite once was obvious. At least for you. Even if you didn’t read it in the folder, his next action would have made it clear anyways. He gathered some knives and threw them fast and precisely to the target. A strategy that should show you he was a strong and deadly person. But he forgot, he didn’t even know, that this wasn’t the way to command or rule people. Not for a Dauntless leader, not for any other leader. Leadership was a question of faith. When you trusted your people and earned their respect, not through oppressing them with fear, then you won their solidarity and their fellowship. And once they returned your trust you could call yourself their leader.</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>Eric chose to not leave you off the hook so easily. That only played into your cards. You remained patient and did everything that would make his brain go wild. He wasn’t the best in hiding his anger that should distract from his arousal. It was strange to use your body as that kind of a weapon. You trusted on his sexual instincts to get what you wanted. You were far from proud of the way <em>how</em> you started your mission, but with the knowledge in the back of your head – that woman did that thousands of years ago too – it was easier to do it. After all you tried to save the whole city. And you couldn’t deny the fact that it was amusing to see Eric grinding his jaw when you walked passed him with a completely sweat-soaked shirt that stuck to your body.</p>
<p>The first time he sat next to you in the cafeteria, you thought it was by accident, but it happened again the following days. Eric didn’t talk, he just drank and ate and then got up again and left.</p>
<p>On Visiting Day he had breakfast next to you for the first time. You starred into your cup of coffee in between sips, and tried to ignore how tired you were. Sleep was a luxury you didn’t get last night because you were thinking about what you should tell Natalie. The Bureau expected your first report.</p>
<p>„I know you didn’t drink last night, what did you do to deserve those dark circles?“ He kept his voice low. Eric sounded still sleepy.</p>
<p>„Maybe I did drink, how would you know? Are you stalking me?“</p>
<p>„I was in the Pit, drinking. I didn’t see you. Conclusion: you didn’t drink.“ To hear him saying he looked out for you brightened your mood. It was working. Now you just needed to pack your plan for the mission into a report for the Bureau. „So what did you do?“</p>
<p>„Insomnia, Eric. You know what that is?“</p>
<p>The corners of his mouth pulled up again. Even though he was an unsympathetic prick, he had a pretty damn handsome face and an incredibly mischievous grin. His knee nudged yours under the table. That was enough interaction with him for one day. You got up, returned the empty mug and left for the Pit.</p>
<p>Eric observed the reunions with the families, especially yours. Of course he did. Only Natalie showed up – it was liberating because it would have been too distracting to see the rest of the Prior family.</p>
<p>You gave Natalie your report so she could transmit it to the Bureau. You didn’t mention your plan with Eric though. She was already okay with hearing that your past weeks had been alright and nothing had happened that could’ve endangered your mission. How you fulfilled your mission shouldn’t be her concern.</p>
<p>The Visiting Day went exactly like you wanted it to. You gave Natalie your report and didn’t show any attachment. Only the ending, after Natalie had left, was unexpected. Eric asked you to have a drink with him in the Pit. And you accepted his invitation.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Maybe getting drunk with Eric was a bad idea. He had a higher tolerance for alcohol. That wasn’t surprising though; he was one head taller and built like a freaking beast. You were doing shots at the same pace and clearly you were the first one to show the effects of it. You would definitely have a huge hangover tomorrow morning. But it would be worth it because Eric and you hit it off instantly with the first shot.</p>
<p>He made jokes about how the dark circles under your eyes would be even darker tomorrow. In fact, he made many jokes. The booze wiped away a little of his harshness. He nearly seemed carefree, sort of at least. </p>
<p>Eric, for example, didn’t seem to care that it had been a little inappropriate for him as an instructor to drink with one of the initiates. After a while you knew why he didn’t care: no one else cared about it. All they cared about were the fights in the Pit, the bets, and getting drunk themselves.</p>
<p>Getting drunk with Eric ended up being a recurring event, as well as eating breakfast together… and all the other meals. You shared not funny jokes when both of you had had too much to drink, and already knew to push over the sugar for his coffee when he just sat down, even if he doesn’t have a cup of coffee in front of him yet. You quickly learned each other’s eating habits and that resulted in Eric giving you his pizza crust, not because he didn’t eat it himself but because he knew how much you loved it, and you passing him your bacon.</p>
<p>While the second stage of your initiation got more tense, the tension between you and Eric increased as well. You always tried to keep a good distance – even when you were drunk and laughing with him over the fights in the Pit. Your goal was to wrap him around your little finger – with your limited knowledge about flirting, keeping a distance and playing with his mind was the only thing you could think of doing to fuel his desire. Somehow you got the feeling that it worked out absolutely well because Eric seemed to enjoy your cold shoulder and the stolen glances.</p>
<p>Though, you couldn’t continue being distant when it came to eating next to each other. After some time Eric didn’t stick to this cat-and-mouse game anymore. His knee touched yours too often by accident. And you decided to not pull yours away. When he sat closer, so close that not only your knees touched but your thighs, you started to enjoy it yourself.</p>
<p>It didn’t irritate you when you realised you were admiring Eric’s appearance. Both, you <em>and</em> him, knew he was handsome. Eric knew it too well for your liking. That’s what made your eyes roll every time he called you out for staring at him for too long. He used the physical attraction against you. Or to win you over? You weren’t so sure, Eric‘s words always had two meanings.</p>
<p>The whole physical attraction thing was fairly new to you. In London, there hadn’t been much time to admire other people’s appearances, and even less to feel attracted to someone. You had your friends, but there hadn’t been room for some sort of relationship with everything that went down.</p>
<p>The moment you realised your plan had backfired, was the moment you realised you weren’t just attracted by his appearance, but also by the Eric that was under the tattoos and muscles.</p>
<p>You couldn’t explain how it even happened, but it did. There were good parts in Eric, lots of them. Big parts, that fooled your brain into thinking the good parts outweighed the bad ones, especially because his bad parts had been forced on him, webbed into his mind for a long time. They were supposed to make him into a puppet that obeyed orders at any time and clearly: it worked.</p>
<p>Despite all of this, all of your first thoughts about him, how he wasn’t a Dauntless London would’ve accepted, you felt more and more attracted to Eric as the weeks went by.</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>It’s the first morning. The very first morning being a real part of Dauntless again. You didn’t sleep at all last night. Why should you? Not only did the other initiates that made it through the final test celebrate, the entire Dauntless compound celebrated with them. With you.</p>
<p>Making it through the initiation had been something completely different this time. Here, it’d been a thrilling relief. It had been some sort of a privilege. Sure, you made it because you were good in what you did, but being one of the few that actually made it into Dauntless was something that made you proud, even though it had been your second time. In London, it had been a simple necessity. Everyone knew there was a war ahead. And every faction recruited and took as many in as possible. Still, they made sure they took only those people that were worthy of their faction. You had been worthy for any faction but you chose Dauntless. And you did again because you had to but also because you wanted to. Dauntless was your home. You had missed it immensely.</p>
<p>He sat down next to you. You hadn’t seen him after the clock stroke two in the morning. Unlike you, he probably did get some sleep. First his knee touched yours and even though you didn’t pull it away anymore for weeks, he still waited for your silent agreement. Then, he closed the gap completely and pressed his thigh to yours. You passed him the sugar for his coffee, as per usual.</p>
<p>„Now that you’re an official Dauntless, we should celebrate.“ Eric’s voice wasn’t as loud as usual. Well, during breakfast his voice was always low, but today it was even quieter.</p>
<p>„Don’t you remember last night? We did shots. And I got pretty drunk while you didn’t show any sign of being drunk at all. Again.“</p>
<p>He grabbed a spoon and added highly concentrated sugar with it, spoon for spoon, to his cup. „That’s not what I meant, Y/N.“</p>
<p>Your brows furrowed more and more with every spoon he added to his coffee. „Is this gonna be sugar with a side of coffee again?“ At spoon number six you couldn’t look at it anymore and reached out for the sugar and the spoon. „How can someone drink such a botched coffee? Besides you shouldn’t consume that much sugar anyways!“</p>
<p>Eric frowned and took back his spoon to stir. At least he didn’t take back the sugar as well and let it be. „You’re clearly avoiding my question.“</p>
<p>With a bite of your toast you leaned closer and muttered into his ear. „You didn’t ask one.“ </p>
<p>That smug smile returned on his lips – a sight you absolutely adored and one you scolded yourself for adoring it. „Do you want to do something with me?“</p>
<p>„We’re already eating breakfast.“ Lately it was nearly unbearable to maintain that cat-and-mouse game but you wouldn’t surrender first. It needed to be him.</p>
<p>„Y/N.“ You could feel fingers on your thigh. Clearly, it was his fingers. He had never done that before. „Do you want to celebrate being a Dauntless with me? Tonight?“ He pinched you a little. „Only the two of us.“</p>
<p>„Are you asking for a date?“ You cheered internally. <em>Finally.</em> Finally he made a move. Not only because it would bring forward your mission, but also… damn you wanted this. Whatever it was. You wanted to find out what it was.</p>
<p>„No.“ His nonchalance crashed your hopes and made you stand up.</p>
<p>„Then my answer is no as well.“ You grabbed your toast and walked away. You didn’t expect such a situation could irritate you so much.</p>
<p>„Wait, Y/N.“ Eric followed you out into the Pit. „Wait.“ He jogged to catch up with you.</p>
<p>„Wait for what?“</p>
<p>After grabbing onto your arms a few times he gave up on attempting you to stop walking. He stepped in front of you and let you run into him. Awesome.</p>
<p>His facial expressions screamed frustration but there was also a slight hint of eagerness. „Wait for me to ask you on a date.“ Eric exhaled long after saying what had cost him a lot of surmounting.</p>
<p>„That’s not a question either.“ You crossed your arms but couldn’t hold back the smile. Instantly Eric mirrored the grin and took a step back to let you walk away for your first day of work.</p>
<p>„I’ll be at yours at eight!“</p>
<p>You simply nodded your head and were grateful he couldn’t see your face and your stupid grin that reached up to your ears.</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>Exactly on time, you heard a knock on your door. One single knock but hard against the metal and clearly Eric’s.</p>
<p>His eyes checked you from head to toe after you opened the door. You liked how genuinely fascinated he seemed even though you were still in the same clothes he last saw you in. But you understood his reaction because yours was the same.</p>
<p>„You wanna go for a walk?“</p>
<p>„Outside?“</p>
<p>Eric nodded his head. He guided you through some tunnels and faster than you thought you were outside of Dauntless grounds. You didn’t explore that much of Chicago yet and being able to do so now was exciting. None of you really talked. Only some glimpses at each other from time to time. </p>
<p>It was quite a long walk to the place Eric took you. It had been pretty obvious he aimed for a special location after a few minutes because he always walked one step ahead of you.</p>
<p>„It was called the Field Museum.“</p>
<p>„Why are we here?“</p>
<p>The corner of his lips pulled up. „Sightseeing.“ He took the first steps up to the entrance, and you followed, not believing Eric took you to a museum. The last time you’ve been in one was… before London’s Dauntless headquarter got destroyed in the faction war.</p>
<p>Eric levered up the remnants of the door and went inside first. What once must have been the big entrance hall was now a portrayal of decay and abandonment, though it was familiar. It felt right – somehow. You were used to ruins and abandoned places, more than to newly built buildings because of the many years you had spent in London. Here in Chicago it’s been a little different. Still, you welcomed old and dusty walls of a museum.</p>
<p>You didn’t really pay attention to anything else other than the stones this museum was built of. Not until Eric stopped and looked at you with this look in his eyes. The one you never could cope with: affection.</p>
<p>You made yourself look away fast so you didn’t have to deal with it too long. And there you noticed it: the skeleton. A dinosaur skeleton. Besides all the destruction that ruled here, this skeleton managed to survive it nearly undamaged.</p>
<p>„Honestly, Y/N, I only took you here because that T. rex is fucking cool. <em>And</em> I didn’t know what else to do on a proper date.“</p>
<p>„Showing me an extinct animal counts as a proper date I guess.“</p>
<p>To see that your answer satisfied him made you smile.</p>
<p>The two of you stumbled around for a while. You found more skeletons of other long died out animals, like elephants and lions, and you also found your words again. Eric couldn’t stop talking, and you couldn’t stop pestering him.</p>
<p>Whatever happened tonight, something fundamental changed. You felt it and you were sure he did too. </p>
<p>Instead of walking all the way back to Dauntless you took the nearest train. No one rode with you. You had the whole compartment, the whole train to yourselves. You sat down next to each other and this time it was you who laid fingers on the other’s thigh. You wanted to know how it felt to touch him, even though it was a touch through the fabric of his pants.</p>
<p>It was good. It was natural.</p>
<p>Eric didn’t flinch when you laid your hand on his thigh. He gave you some time to adjust to the touch. He always did – yet another thing you didn’t expect at first. Then he slid his hand under yours and crossed fingers with you. Again, the two of you lost all your words – only this time there was absolutely no need to talk anymore. It was obvious. No turning back from this point.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Your brain couldn’t find a good reason why Eric would refuse to do more than hold your hand. After all those weeks of teasing him and him teasing you. After all those shared meals and habits you got into – he just held your hand. But it wasn’t just the physical act of holding your hand of course, it felt special but not too special. Just the right amount of special to realise that this simple action was more than it actually was. Holding hands was the start of something. You thought the start of this something had been the moment you realised you were attracted to Eric – and that he wasn’t just bad. He had good parts and you wanted to discover who Eric really was beneath all those tattoos and the rudeness he offered to everyone but you.</p>
<p>Eric didn’t take another step, only held your hand, and somehow, that felt like he gave you permission to discover the man you wanted to know about so much. At the same time you came to the conclusion that Eric probably wanted the same. He wanted to know the answers to his questions, those you avoided or those he didn’t even ask. Now is when you could need a good advice from your sister. How were you supposed to keep all your secrets from a man, the target to bring forward your mission, but also the man you developed feelings for?</p>
<p>You hoped time would show what way to go.</p>
<p>Eric didn’t walk you to your apartment. You split up in the Pit because Max had to talk to him. Honestly, you preferred it that way so that there wouldn’t be an awkward moment at your door.</p>
<p>At the Bureau, you had seen how accurately they had observed the life inside Chicago’s fence. You didn’t know how much they saw of your daily life now, or how much they could see of your date with Eric. You were sure they knew your strategy by now, but you didn’t want them to know what was really going on.</p>
<p>Fulfilling your mission was your first priority but after losing London you didn’t want to lose Chicago as well. Fulfilling your mission was in your own interest, but after it would be done, you wanted to stay. A smile formed on your lips. How could things change so quickly for you?</p>
<p>„Y/N?“ If he hadn’t called your name you wouldn’t have known it was Eric because this time his knock wasn’t eager. It was more like a whisper against the metal.</p>
<p>He seemed indecisive when you opened the door. The complete opposite of only hours ago when he knocked the first time. „That didn’t go according to plan.“</p>
<p>„I thought you didn’t have a plan for the date.“</p>
<p>„Yeah. No, I hadn’t.“ He stepped over the threshold and looked around your small apartment. „Not for the date anyway, but for bringing you home.“</p>
<p>„Is that so?“ Were you wrong? Would there be an awkward moment now?</p>
<p>Eric’s eyes were sparkling and he had that look in his eyes again – the one you loved but couldn’t deal with, though this time you didn’t look away. A nervous laugh escaped his lips. „I initially planned on kissing you but somehow I don’t think it’s necessary.“ After Eric first said he didn’t want a date this morning, his statement now should’ve made you feel… sort of hurt. But it didn’t. You completely understood what he meant with a kiss not being necessary now. The simple touch between the two of you was something you both needed to adjust to because it wasn’t simple nor <em>just</em> a touch. Those touches ignited a stupid fire deep down in your stomach. They were more than just laying a hand on a thigh or holding hands with someone. Those touches were the access to your connection. They opened something in which you could get lost in. Those touches were important, every single one, and you first needed to explore and get used to them before you could take the next stage.</p>
<p>„Me neither.“ You smiled at him. When this thing between the two of you started, you didn’t think it would turn out this way: trying to cherish every single touch. You didn’t think Eric could be that kind of a person to wait or to hesitate because he didn’t know what to do.</p>
<p>After a while of talking at the door, he sat down on your bed, and you sat on the ground with your back facing him. You continued talking. Eric was surprisingly interested in your life before transferring to Dauntless. It was another thing you didn’t expect because he was one of the leaders of the faction, and more importantly, a man that strongly believed in faction before blood and the Dauntless Manifesto. But on the other hand you knew he was suspicious, he had been since the first day you interacted.</p>
<p>„Y/N?“ You felt him shuffle on the mattress behind you. You turned around and leaned with your side against your bed. Eric laid on his stomach now, his face pretty close to yours.</p>
<p>„Yeah?“</p>
<p>That mischievous grin of his reappeared on his face. It meant he would change the subject to something less delicate, and you were thankful for that right now. You couldn’t have continued longer with mustering up lies about your ‚life as an Abnegation‘. „What did you think the first time you saw me?“</p>
<p>You couldn’t hold yourself back and laughed. „I thought you’d need a good neck massage because your face looked so agonised.“ Eric’s face lit up and he joined you with his genuine laughter. „And I thought you were a prick but that’s not the case anymore.“</p>
<p>„Well, I think you were right. I am a prick but not to you anymore.“ His eyes fixated on you again. You truly liked how his facial expressions softened when he looked at you, and only you. „I like you.“</p>
<p>His raspy voice echoed in your ears.</p>
<p>
  <em>I like you too.</em>
</p>
<p>But you didn’t say it. You stood up, ruffled his hair and went off to fill a glass of water. When you returned Eric acted like he didn’t just say that and you didn’t just walk away without returning anything.</p>
<p>You talked through the night. Eric didn’t seem offended, but you held yourself back a little. With every hour that passed you locked yourself up a little bit more. You still enjoyed talking to him, at some point you even laid next to him on your bed, but you didn’t touch him anymore. And he sensed that you didn’t want to be touched.</p>
<p>When you woke up, not able to say when you fell asleep, Eric was gone. </p>
<p>You got up and walked over to the bathroom – with the smallest of hopes he may have been in there but he wasn’t. It was good he wasn’t here anymore. His confession last night had changed something. Your <em>something.</em> And you couldn’t be happy about it because you suddenly realised that all of this shouldn’t happen.</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>You had your job, working for Max, due to being first in ranks when you finished the initiation. It was dull work, pushing papers around all day long, nothing you would’ve preferred, but it was necessary for your mission. But because you would see Eric all day, when you worked for Max, you asked for a field trip – and it got granted.</p>
<p>You had told Max you wanted to coach the fence guardians personally about the new changes. Those security changes had been Jeanine’s work, but you didn’t really do something about it because they made sense. They only referred to guarding the fence.</p>
<p>For the next few days, you headed out to the fence every morning, before breakfast, and returned after dinner. It gave you no time to talk to Eric – just how you wanted it.</p>
<p>The date, his confession… everything had blinded you. First, you didn’t want to accept it because you thought you could manage using him for your mission and also having feelings for him. But you couldn’t. It wasn’t that easy.</p>
<p>After coaching another group of guardians on the fourth day you’ve been out to the fence, you didn’t go back instantly. You stayed a little longer just to stare out into the vastness. Most of your thoughts started to take over and you just wanted to run out there again and return to your parents and your siblings. You wanted to go back to London before it had been destroyed and eventually overwritten.</p>
<p>The view made you more than just a bit homesick, so you took a train back to the Dauntless compound.</p>
<p>Dropping off your gear in the office and giving Max a short report, you wanted to go back to your apartment, but Eric waited for you in the nearest tunnel.</p>
<p>He looked pissed. You could read the question of ‚what is going on‘ in his face. If you ignored him and walked past him he would follow you, so you stopped and crossed your arms.</p>
<p>„Where’ve you been?“</p>
<p>„The fence.“</p>
<p>He huffed. „I know.“ Pushing himself off the wall to come closer, he crossed his arms as well. „Why are you avoiding me?“</p>
<p>„I’m not av-“</p>
<p>„You are! Don’t fucking deny it.“ Eric’s temper snapped. The veins in his tattooed neck came out and his jaw clenched. It didn’t impress you at all.</p>
<p>„I’m not in the mood for this bullshit.“ Maybe you would’ve talked to him if he didn’t shout like this, but that wasn’t the case so you would not waste your time with him.</p>
<p>You walked away. And he <em>did</em> follow you.</p>
<p>„Y/N, stop walking. I’m serious.“</p>
<p>You ignored him. And he continued following you through the tunnels.</p>
<p>„Just tell me what happened that night that you don’t want to talk to me anymore.“ His voice was far from angry – he was furious now. You continued walking. You shouldn’t have done it because he did exactly the thing from days ago: he stepped into your way and you ran into him.</p>
<p>You looked up to him. This time there was no affection in his eyes, just pure lack of understanding – you couldn’t blame him. „I’m not avoiding you I just need some time.“ That was basically the truth.</p>
<p>You just wanted to escape the situation, and you walked around him but he grabbed your wrist. He wanted to say something like ‚wait‘ again, but you didn’t let him talk. In a split second, you had pinned him on the wall and held him there with one arm pressed under his jaw. „Don’t touch me like that again.“</p>
<p>Maybe you overreacted. The regret in his eyes told you he just wanted to talk to you; understand what was going on. But you didn’t want to talk to him right now. You let go off him and walked away.</p>
<p>The silence of your apartment felt relieving in the first seconds. Then it turned against you. All your thoughts got too loud. Your emotions cooked up and everything inside of you felt like it got torn apart.</p>
<p>
  <em>Fuck.</em>
</p>
<p>Your job was to prevent the Chicago Experiment’s collapse. As being part of this community you were also encouraged to start a family somewhen. You were highly encouraged to do everything required to fulfil this mission. But the Bureau probably didn’t want to see you falling head over heels for one of the cruelest and most unpredictable people inside the fence – even if he was completely different around you. Eric was a masterpiece of contradictions.</p>
<p>
  <em>You liked him too. A lot.</em>
</p>
<p>You couldn’t use him the way you had planned to <em>because</em> he was more than just the bad guy. He didn’t deserve this.</p>
<p>You walked around your apartment, unable to sit down and wrap your head around what to say to Eric so that he would not take that something between the two of your any further. You needed to give him a believable reason as to why you didn’t want to continue being involved with him the way you had been.</p>
<p>Way past midnight you found yourself in front of Eric’s door. <em>What am I even doing?</em></p>
<p>You stood there for solid thirty minutes until you actually knocked. The door was already open before your hand even slid back into your back pocket. Eric only wore shorts but didn’t look like he had slept yet. You didn’t miss the shift in his eyes from affection to being confused again.</p>
<p>„Wanna come in?“</p>
<p>You would’ve… if he wore more than just those tight shorts. You shook your head and looked into his eyes by your own choice. His exposed tattoos and his bare skin distracted you too much from the reason you were here. </p>
<p>
  <em>He didn’t deserve being used.</em>
</p>
<p>Every time you opened your mouth to tell him this couldn’t go on, nothing came out. You stepped on your spot, picked at the skin around your fingernails, and weren’t able to keep a decent breathing rhythm.</p>
<p>He didn’t deserve being used. But the words didn’t come out because you wouldn’t be able to keep yourself away from him. You needed to figure out a way to keep Eric out of your mission. You would find a way. You <em>needed</em> to. You…</p>
<p>„All or nothing?“</p>
<p>„What?“</p>
<p>Your heart beat hard in your chest. It usually did this after a long, exhausting workout. Or during an adrenaline rush. For a second you were worried it would jump right out of your chest in front of Eric’s feet.</p>
<p>„All or nothing, Eric?“</p>
<p>His eyebrows pulled up in sudden realisation. The puzzled look got replaced by the expression you loved to see so much but couldn’t deal with yet.</p>
<p>„All.“</p>
<p>Without further hesitation you ran into him – this time fully on purpose. Together you stumbled a few steps back. Now was no time left to adjust to each others touch or what would come next. Your lips crashed onto each other. You both took everything you could and didn’t waste another moment. Everything around you melted down and just left your little something.</p>
<p>You could feel his abs against your belly and his hands that held your face close to his. Eric and you didn’t try to play around anymore. <em>This</em> was completely honest. His soft lips that showed you his affection the way his eyes always did, and his tongue demonstrating the desire for you and all the touches he craved.</p>
<p>The moment you parted to catch your breaths, Eric still didn’t let go of your face. He studied every inch of it, searched for something, and you didn’t know what it was.</p>
<p>He bit his bottom lip to hold back a grin. </p>
<p>„What?“ His damn smile was contagious.</p>
<p>„Can I look at your freckles for the rest of the night? Please?“</p>
<p>The both of you instantly broke into laughter. But before you would let him look at your freckles for the rest of the night, you pressed your lips onto his again. Kissing him was perhaps even more contagious than his grin.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The night sky isn’t black – it hasn’t been in three nights. Besides the power cut, buildings are burning and smoke hangs over the city like a rain cloud that doesn’t want to leave. It presses down into the streets, and fills what is left of London with toxic fumes. The smoke makes it hard to think straight, or move; the ashfall makes it hard to see, but you need to go on.</p>
<p>You lead Dauntless through the night. Those, who are still Dauntless, not those that gave into the temptation of power to try and destroy the other factions. In fact, you also lead members of other factions that didn’t agree to this war. </p>
<p>There is no destination for you, and no plan. You haven’t seen your brother since the first night London went up in flames. You don’t even know if he is still alive. Taking responsibility for these people, you guide them through the streets, accompanied by burning houses that collapse into themselves. You try to find a spot where you can hide and make further plans. </p>
<p>The only plan you can think of includes finding your parents. You don’t have any other options left. You did what you could, but now… it’s time. </p>
<p>An old underground station, its entrance still accessible, is by far the best option you have come across tonight.</p>
<p>To see that only fifty independent people are left is heartbreaking. The numbers look fewer when sitting next to each other in a confined space. </p>
<p>“You remember history class in school?” You look at a former Erudite, a friend you knew since you were little, not understanding what he’s getting at. </p>
<p>“Remember the class about the Great Fire of London? A fire, many centuries ago, that burned down four fifths of London?” He looks like he hates himself for saying this because he dreads it so much. “It feels like it’s happening again.”</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>
  <em>London will happen. Again.</em>
</p>
<p>You opened your eyes. Skin. His skin. You closed your eyes again and tried to bury farther into his chest.</p>
<p>His arms, wrapped around your upper body, pull you closer to provide you with more proximity. You had woken him up, but he didn’t say a word. You had told him he shouldn’t react, so he didn’t.</p>
<p>After spending a lot of time getting used to each other, you started to share most of your nights. The thrilling feeling of his bare skin on yours always did that thing to your heart – it tightened because you couldn’t comprehend how right, how magical his touch was.</p>
<p>You didn’t know why you started to get nightmares since you slept next to Eric every night. Sharing the same bed with him was far from terrible. The dreams were terrible, though. And every time you dreamed, you dreamt about London.</p>
<p>You couldn’t understand what triggered those nightmares. It seemed ludicrous that Eric could be the trigger, and it was something you didn’t want to believe, but eventually you realised it had to be him. Though, not in the negative way. You finally started to calm down, to relax and process what had happened back in London. Until you had found Eric, and got to know the feeling of being safe in someones arms, there hadn’t been a chance to handle all the memories. You had always suppressed the bad times in London as best as you could.</p>
<p>Now that you could let go, even if only for a short amount of time when his skin touched yours, nightmares tried to do what you couldn’t do when you were awake. They made you see all of it again so you could finally leave it behind. </p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>You had lost complete track of how many times you had sat next to each other in the cafeteria and acted like you weren’t <em>that</em> much in love. You weren’t afraid to tell everyone, they all knew about you at that point. The thing was… your relationship, all the things between you, felt way too intimate to share it with others than yourselves. You tried to save your interactions until you were alone and could get totally lost in them.</p>
<p>„You want my mushrooms?“ You didn’t like them at all. Eric had been a strict carnivore – until he met you. And eventually fell for you.</p>
<p>He picked all of your much-hated vegetables from your plate and shoved them in his mouth. It made you smile so fucking wide that you really, really needed to hold yourself back from throwing yourself at him. He preferred meat and pure protein and rarely ate plant-based food. But his admiration for you was so strong that he didn’t care, he just wanted to please you. </p>
<p>Eric leaned in and touched your cheekbone with his lips. It wasn’t a kiss, but it was enough to flip that switch where you couldn’t focus anymore and turned around to face him. „Are you coming over tonight?“ And his whispering didn’t do any good to your concentration either.</p>
<p>„As if I wouldn’t.“ With your hand on his face you pushed him away. A catastrophe had to happen for you not to stay over for the night. And Eric knew that.</p>
<p>When you finished up dinner, you payed a quick visit over at the tattoo shop to see Bud. Eric went back to his apartment already. That was only right for you because you didn’t like him to be around when you talked to Bud. Still in your first night at Dauntless, you had used the memory serum on Bud to make him believe he had created your tattoos, the many ones you had back from your time in London. You still wanted to compliment yourself every time for getting tattoos that could be hidden under your clothes. It took a lot of nights at the tattoo shop to make everyone else, besides Bud, believe you had gotten that many tattoos in your short time here in Dauntless.</p>
<p>Today, you asked Bud to change a detail on one of your calves. You hated to to make that change on your skin, to use the memory serum on him again – but you didn’t remember it until you fell over your own feet this morning and caught a glimpse at it. The spaces of a geometric design portrayed the Tower Bridge. Eric didn’t see it until now, at least he didn’t say anything about it, but you needed to get rid of it before he could say something.</p>
<p>Bud filled the spaces with black. And half an hour later, it was like the Tower Bridge on your calf had never existed.</p>
<p>You got a few things from your small apartment before you headed over to Eric’s. You heard the shower running when you entered the loft, so you took one of the notepads you brought with you and sat on his bed to make some notes for work.</p>
<p>His footsteps sounded wet, like he didn’t dry himself properly. Well, he never really did because he thought it was extremely funny to throw himself, half naked and his hair still dripping, at you. You threw your notepad over your shoulder in preparation, put your arms up in defense and closed your eyes. But that big meatball didn’t throw himself onto you. You saw him standing in front of his table, only a towel around his waist, and looking back and forth from the stuff you brought and you.</p>
<p>„What’s this?“ The muscles in his chest tensed as he moved around.</p>
<p>You started to grin. „Nothing.“</p>
<p>„I can see a pile of stuff that didn’t happen to be in my apartment before I hopped in the shower.“</p>
<p>„Well…“ You slowly moved out of his bed and behind the table so it was between Eric and you.</p>
<p>„Am I seeing a pattern here, Y/N?“ He ran his hand through his hair, completely aware of how attractive he looked in that moment.</p>
<p>„If you’re looking closely.“</p>
<p>„Okay.“ He turned around and walked back to the bathroom. You followed up and watched him taking a second towel to dry his hair. „Enough of your stuff is already here. Might as well bring the rest.“</p>
<p>He caught you off guard. You’ve only been taking stuff over to his place because you spent most of your free time here anyways. Though, that didn’t mean you had planned to move in, you had just implied that minutes ago because sometimes it was still too tempting to continue that cat-and-mouse game. </p>
<p>„Seriously?“ You liked the idea. </p>
<p>„Most times we hang out at my place and it’s a waste of space when we have two apartments.“</p>
<p>
  <em>We.</em>
</p>
<p>You walked over and pressed yourself to his bare chest. He stopped rubbing his hair and looked down. He didn’t smirk and his eyes didn’t sparkle. You took your time to admire how honest his expression was. Eric could be so mean at times but never failed to surprise you with his gentleness.</p>
<p>Then you kissed him. He dropped the second towel, which he just started to dry his hair with, and lifted you up with his hands around your ass. „Should we get my stuff now?“ You barely managed to talk because his mouth was all over yours.</p>
<p>He parted, against his own will, and pushed an imaginary strand of hair out of your face. „First we need to get you some boxes.“ His hands released your butt after he sat you on the sink.</p>
<p>„Nah, we’ll handle this somehow.“</p>
<p>His smirk reappeared. Would there ever be a day where that sight wouldn’t bring pure joy to your heart? „Of course you need boxes to put your stuff in. You can’t just carry all of it in your arms.“</p>
<p>Eric’s lips instantly returned to yours. He nearly got what he wanted but you could hold back before you gave in completely. Even he, the biggest temptation you’ve ever known, could be pushed back when he tried to suppress your stubbornness and the following debate.</p>
<p>„Better not to bet because I absolutely can, Eric.“</p>
<p>„No.“</p>
<p>„Oh yes.“</p>
<p>He shook his head and pushed your knees aside so he could stand between your legs, then bowed over you so far that the faucet pressed into your back. „I bet a hundred points you can’t carry all of your stuff in your arms to my apartment.“</p>
<p>You let your fingers run down his abs and stopped right above the towel around his waist. His breathing stopped. „I bet a hundred that I will. And I’ll get another hundred from you when I’ve done it by the end of the night.“ You grabbed his hips, pulled him closer to kiss him deeply, then shoved him away and started to make your way out of the bathroom.</p>
<p>„Where you going?“</p>
<p>You stopped for a moment to enjoy the amused look on his face. „To get my two hundred points.“</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>The next day you spent two hundred points on some really useless sculptures and put them on a shelf above the bed – only to piss off Eric for the rest of his life and remind him that he lost the bet.</p>
<p>He never bet you again. Since that night, he always backed you up.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Your touches – the slightest brush of your fingertips along his jaw, when it was as if he could sense every individual groove of your fingerprints – were like sunlight shining down on his bare skin. Like the very first sunshine after a long winter without any sunlight at all, when the light hits his skin and it feels so good, so mesmerizing, that he needs to close his eyes. When he suddenly feels so alive – forgetting about how he even survived the winter in the first place – and his insides get warm instantly. That was exactly what your touch felt like to him. But that was only when your fingertips touched his skin. When you pressed the full palm of your hand to his chest, it felt like a supernova hit and burned right through his flesh, sneaking it’s way right into his soul. Then your touch created the most massive, the most blissful warmth someone could ever feel.</p>
<p>Right now, he sensed your fingertips on his back, trailing along his tattoos. When the sun rose this morning, none of you had even made an attempt to get out of bed. You just stayed; naked under the sheets, tightly entangled and refusing to waste a second of each other’s body heat.</p>
<p>Whenever Eric laid on his stomach, you would either move and lay across his back or prop up on one of your elbows and retrace his tattoos. He didn’t care what you did, as long as you touched his skin with only your fingertips or if you pressed your chest to his back – since you got together he had changed from sleeping on his back to sleeping on his stomach quickly. The thrilling feeling of your touches had been too tempting. There was no way he could ever get enough of your skin on his.</p>
<p>For a long while Eric enjoyed your fingertips running over his back, until he couldn’t bear to not look into your eyes any second longer. He shuffled in his spot and turned around, placing his hands on your hips to pull you closer, right against his chest, before he started to trail his fingers along your spine.</p>
<p>There was always that completely soothing intimacy between the two of you whenever your eyes met. It could be in the crowded Pit or a quick glance during training: he always had the urge to smile at your mere glimpse. You didn’t even have to smile yourself – it was just a natural reaction to seeing you, looking into your eyes – it instantly reminded him of all the feelings you gave him. And every single one of them felt so good. Your eyes were a magic key, something that unlocked a part of Eric that no one knew about besides you. He didn’t even want someone else to know about that part because actually it wasn’t his part anymore. It was yours. The day he realised what he felt for you was love, that day you unlocked that part and claimed it as yours without being aware of it or demanding it. Eric couldn’t do anything about it, it was just how it was: he was yours. And that would stay until the end of times.</p>
<p>When your face was that close to him, your foreheads against each other, and he had his hands on your back, it was hard to think about something else other than the itself repeating ‚how can this be real?‘.</p>
<p>Before he met you, he would’ve never imagined that the mere skin contact to another person could be so fulfilling. Sure, seeing you naked gave him thousands of lustful thoughts, but more so it made him appreciate you in a way he couldn’t quite with your clothes on. Not because of the sexual attraction but because somehow it felt like he was closer to your soul. Like the nakedness made it easier to feel all the amazing feelings he had never dreamed about being able to feel. Feeling your warm body on his – radiating off heat and without any disturbing layer of clothing between them – made it easier to fully embrace that feeling of comfort. When it was only you and him, naked in the bed, everything outside those walls seemed insignificant. When it was only you and him, Eric truly understood why in all those old books love had been described as ‘coming home’. </p>
<p>But there was something.</p>
<p>Something surrounded you. Something, Eric couldn’t make out what it was. Something, that had an huge impact on you, that defined who you were.</p>
<p>A lot of strange things seemed to engulf you like a thick layer of paint. He tried to scratch it off but he never got anywhere.</p>
<p>Eric had noticed a lot of things right from the beginning, even before you had jumped into the net. There had been no fear, no respect of the unknown, no hesitation about the height and the jump into a black hole. You stood on this wall, thrilled about entering Dauntless grounds that way, like it was a big joy instead of trying to muster up the bravery for the step forward into the air.</p>
<p>He had noticed how you had talked and what you had spoken on your first days in Dauntless as well. Some things didn’t make sense, especially the flaming swearing – something Abnegations never did. Sure, you had transferred to Dauntless, left your old faction behind, but there had never been an Abnegation transfer before who had cursed like you did. </p>
<p>One of the main things that still lingered in his thoughts too often: your ability to fight like a warrior. You had won your first fight, the following ones too. When Eric made you fight against Ronny there had been no doubt anymore: how you defeated your opponent wasn’t something someone could pick up in a couple of days. Your movements had been too precise; your knowledge of hitting the right spots had been too spot on; your face had been too harsh and too hardened, like you had fought for your life over and over again, every single day, for a whole year.</p>
<p>You were the biggest mystery to him. Even though he knew so much about you – from countless nights without sleeping because you had talked and talked and before you even realised, the sun made it’s way back through the windows again. You were a big, red question mark, flickering like a neon sign with a slack joint. The most frustrating thing was that he knew he would never get answers, so he didn’t even ask his questions. But sometimes he couldn’t stop himself from dropping a remark about your strange behaviour. In those situations you completely shut him out. Either you ignored his remark completely or you talked around it. So there must be something. He didn’t just imagine it.</p>
<p>Eric hoped your secret wasn’t being Divergent. He knew about the menacing danger that surrounded them. He should make sure you weren’t one and if you were one, he should report you or kill you right away. That at least was what his common sense told him. It was what he would do with everyone else. But in your case… he wouldn’t know what to do. If you were Divergent you better should keep that secret to yourself. The fear of you being a Divergent was what held him back from asking you about it. It shouldn’t be this way. He shouldn’t make an exception for you, but he did. He ignored the possibility of you being Divergent because in the end it wouldn’t make a difference for him. After all, it would just be a reason why you were like you were, it wouldn’t change you all of a sudden. It startled him every time when he caught himself thinking that way. He would kill every Divergent with his bare hands and muscle power, but you… you could be Divergent, you could turn out to be the biggest rebel, starting a riot – Eric wouldn’t care. <em>That</em> was what love did. He put himself in danger in order to keep you safe.</p>
<p>However you did it: you had managed to sneak through his cracks, right into the place where he thought his soul was: between his ribcages, filling out the space that once had been so numb. Your presence lived there – every second of the day, always. It felt like fairy dust kissing the sun. Like a shower of rain that provides enough water for all the plants to never die. You were a fucking miracle. A goddess beneath simple men. It didn’t only feel like your touches were a ray of sunshine, <em>you</em> were the ray of sunshine. And every time he looked at you, this huge, indescribable warmth built itself between his ribcages. He was forever grateful that is was <em>you</em> who made him feel that way.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You told Eric you wanted to check up on the fence guardians and if they followed all the security changes that had been made in the past couple months. Jeanine’s pressure on Dauntless had increased. At least once a month, she instructed Max about new adjustments.</p>
<p>Since you moved in with Eric, a lot had changed. You crawled up into higher positions and became the third person in Dauntless’ leadership – behind Max and Eric – but that didn’t mean you had the power you needed to prevent the oncoming catastrophe. You could feel it in your fingertips. Every time you met Jeanine, and you met her a lot because she viewed Dauntless as her personal army, you could feel she was a threat – a deadly one. She seemed paranoid. She was always preaching about danger and corruption and the need to stop <em>them.</em></p>
<p>With ‚them’ she meant Divergents.</p>
<p>Though, to you, ‚them‘ meant her and her supporters that needed to be stopped.</p>
<p>The fence guardians were instructed to stop any unauthorized people from coming too close to the fence. It had to be you that told the Dauntless guards working at the fence to shoot the innocent people that came too close to the fence. Jeanine didn’t give a shit if said innocents were truly innocent, in which they just happened to wander there, or if they were actually attempting to leave the city. The only free pass that was given was to the Amity doing their work. If someone passed the hundred and fifty feet border to the fence they were likely to die. And you couldn’t do anything about it. You had talked to Max until you lost your voice. Max didn’t give in to you – he did to Jeanine.</p>
<p>You did check up on the fence today. But your real reason to leave the Dauntless compound was to meet Natalie. She had sent you a message. David wanted his report.</p>
<p>You met her in a destroyed factory far away from both Abnegation and Dauntless. This place had been your meeting spot the last few times. You changed them every few months to make sure no one could catch on.</p>
<p>Her smile always made your chest tighten. Not in the way Eric’s did – his smile was pure joy and love and compassion, but Natalie’s smile triggered homesickness. You missed the Prior’s but also your ‚real‘ family. Not being able to communicate with them in any way was something you couldn’t really handle. And you couldn’t talk about that with anyone besides Natalie.</p>
<p>„How are you doing my love?“ Her voice was so light while she hugged you tightly. Somehow she always seemed to be completely centered. Maybe that was what living a selfless life did.</p>
<p>„I’m okay.“ <em>I have Eric.</em> She knew about him, but you didn’t say it out loud. While she was happy for you in that you had found someone you felt so deeply for, and vice versa, she didn’t entirely agree with your relationship. Natalie was right, of course. You knew that. You knew your relationship with Eric was dangerous and something that could get problematic if things got worse with Jeanine. But you needed to trust your instincts and your solid mind to handle this if it should turn that way.</p>
<p>„Your family misses you.“</p>
<p>„Yeah, I had a great time at your place.“ Sometimes you went out for a run on your own in the mornings. You would take a route past the school so you could try to see Tris from afar. Somehow, it felt comforting when you saw that she looked frustrated. It was like a confirmation, even without talking to her, that she didn’t let everything go over her head. She would find her way, you were sure of that.</p>
<p>„Well, Andrew and the kids miss you too… but that’s not what I meant.“ She offered an almost-apologetic smile.</p>
<p><em>„My</em> family?“</p>
<p>She nodded.</p>
<p>You turned around and took a few steps away for a moment.</p>
<p>It was hard to fight the tears but you did. You thought about Jeanine, the reason why you were here and not with your family. It made you furious and left no space for tears.</p>
<p>„How would you know that?“</p>
<p>„I had contact with David. He told me to tell you that your parents are proud of your work and that they and your siblings miss you.“</p>
<p>You wanted to run. Run straight through the thick wall that surrounded Chicago. Run until you were by their side again. You felt homesick even though your home didn’t exist anymore. That’s what made you realise that home didn’t depend on a place. It was something you found in people you loved. And you also loved Eric. You had more than one home and that eased the twitch in your chest.</p>
<p>„Thank you for bringing word.“</p>
<p>She nodded again.</p>
<p>You then focused on your report and told her about the newest security changes at the fence and Jeanine’s sickening preaches to Max and the other leaders about suppressing any form of movements and Divergent activity. Even though you were in a good position now, you were afraid it was too late to stop anything from happening the way it would. Jeanine’s ideology had spread into the brains she needed in order to follow her plans – Eric’s brain included.</p>
<p>Natalie didn’t let you go until she got you to promise to reach out for help if you needed it.</p>
<p>You enjoyed your stroll back to the Dauntless compound. It was nearly winter but winters didn’t get that cold anymore. A few centuries ago it got so cold that water turned into snowflakes and buried Chicago under a thick white layer. You learned that in your preparation for your mission. But that didn’t happen anymore. Still, it felt a little chillier.</p>
<p>Today you hadn’t been ready to return instantly. You walked slowly and tried to leave the guilt behind. You always felt bad when you lied to Eric. And as if your guilt wasn’t enough right now, you saw him appearing from behind a corner and walking towards you.</p>
<p>You stopped and waited for him to reach you.</p>
<p>His smile faded when he was close enough to look into your eyes.</p>
<p>„You didn’t take the train?“</p>
<p>You shook your head ‚no‘.</p>
<p>„I’ve been waiting for you since you left off this morning.“ His voice was questioning and you tried to avoid his glance. Eric’s fingers touched your face lightly but with enough pressure to make you look into his eyes again. Sorrow. You hated when he looked that way. „What’s going on?“</p>
<p>You tried to kiss his question away and at first, he let your lips fool him, but then he pushed you away. Eric was confused, but his hands were still on your face.</p>
<p>„I just preferred walking over riding the train.“</p>
<p>„Yeah no.“ He laid his arm around your shoulders and guided you to a broken down wall to sit down upon. Eric kneeled in front of you and placed his hands on your knees. When he thought there was something going on he didn’t back down. He wanted to know what had happened because he wanted to fight it. But this wasn’t something he could fight in order to make you feel better. It meant he needed to fight Jeanine – and in the end himself because he was part of the problem.</p>
<p>„Did it ever occur to you that maybe Jeanine is wrong?“</p>
<p>„With what?“ Your question didn’t seem to have any impact on him at all.</p>
<p>„With everything.“ There had been too many secrets you kept from Eric. And to protect your secrets you had to lie to him – you didn’t want to anymore.</p>
<p>His eyes didn’t show a glimpse of ‚yes I thought about that‘ or ‚I think so‘. „No. Why would she? She is the most intelligent Erudite I have ever met.“</p>
<p>„But that doesn’t mean what she thinks is the truth, and her beliefs are reality.“</p>
<p>He stood up and slowly nodded his head. „This is about the new security rules for the fence, right?“ Eric gave you the feeling that he thought you weren’t qualified for your job because you didn’t understand why the security changes had to be made. „Those changes are important for keeping the peace inside the fence. When everyone can do what they want it won’t work out.“</p>
<p>It wasn’t only about the security changes, but you couldn’t admit that. He clearly believed that Jeanine’s orders were justified. Something inside of you cracked. Eric was so convinced that violence was the key to peace and… it hurt. He did not only have bad parts. He had a lot of good parts, extraordinary good parts. Though, that didn’t mean his bad parts weren’t as vital as the others. In fact, they weighed more. In question of loyalty, he would be on Jeanine’s side. He would do what he was told to.</p>
<p>„That’s not true, Eric.“</p>
<p>His face was a huge question mark. „It… is. Y/N, what are you trying to say?“</p>
<p>„As a leader of Dauntless I have a duty. I have responsibilities for our people and everyone else inside the fence. As do you. We can’t just blindly follow every word Jeanine says because it’s her who says it. She’s not omniscient, alright? She can be wrong. And she <em>is.“</em></p>
<p>„You should watch what you’re saying.“ It sounded like a threat at first. For a second, you thought that the point where you had to rethink your relationship with Eric had come too soon. „If someone hears that, who isn’t supposed to hear it, you’ll get in trouble.“ Eric came over to you again. „And I don’t want you to.“ He pulled you up from the wall and wrapped his arms around you. You didn’t even want to hug him right now, you were fed up and wanted to ignore that you had a part of his heart, but Jeanine had a part of his brain. You wanted to escape and not think about any of that.</p>
<p>His touch, though. It was always his touch. It made you melt and it made you stay and it made you want to fight. For you and him. For a future.</p>
<p>„Eric?“</p>
<p>„Yeah?“ He pulled away but still held onto you. His hands on your back, warm and strong.</p>
<p>You pressed your lips on his. All the feelings for him were so much more intense when your bodies touched each other. The more you thought about it, the more you realised that you didn’t even have a choice in the first place: it had been inevitable not to fall for him. Whatever it was that he did, or not did, that had such an effect on you, you didn’t want to miss it. Somehow that made it easier to accept it would be only a matter of time until you two wouldn’t work out anymore. At least you had had <em>some</em> time together to cherish your love.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It all got harder. Eric didn’t particularly talk about Jeanine anymore, but that was exactly what made it harder for you to handle it all. You knew it was still all in his head and you didn’t know how or if you could make him think about it all again. Question it and you came to the conclusion that this all went the wrong way.</p>
<p>You tried, though. You set your fear of losing your identity aside and talked to him in the nights. When his body was under yours, when his skin touched yours and his grey eyes were full of appreciation for you. His intelligent mind should get what you were saying, what you were trying to tell him. He should realise that it was serious when you didn’t back down and brought up the Jeanine topic over and over again. But he didn’t understand. Eric was blinded, completely, by Jeanine’s ideology.</p>
<p>„Eric?“</p>
<p>He barely managed to nod because his focus was on tracing your tattoos with his fingertips.</p>
<p>„You trust me, right?“</p>
<p>He nodded again, this time his concentration shifted from your tattoos to your eyes.</p>
<p>„Why not with Jeanine? What is it that you trust her more than me?“ The obvious reason that her words had webbed into his mind wasn’t enough for you anymore. It was just plain painful that he was oblivious and ignorant to the truth. You didn’t want him to be on this side when it came to a war. You wanted him to be with you, but that wouldn’t happen if he didn’t let you show him who Jeanine really was.</p>
<p>„It’s not about trust, Y/N. It’s about what’s right and Jeanine is.“</p>
<p>„So I am wrong?“ You got up, out of the bed and put on one of his shirts that was too big but you needed something to cover yourself with.</p>
<p>„Technically, yes.“</p>
<p>„Why did you not report me then? You should’ve, right?“ Your voice got louder. It frustrated you to the point where you just wanted to scream it out of your system. <em>„Am I right, Eric?“</em></p>
<p>„Yes! But you already know that. You know the rules, Y/N.“ He got out of the bed himself but didn’t mind to throw on some clothes. This time, it didn’t distract you.</p>
<p>„Why did you not do it already, huh?“ You should care about the people that could hear you shouting, but you didn’t.</p>
<p>„Because it’s you.“</p>
<p>„No.“ You moved over to him and poked his chest with your finger. „Because you know that maybe I <em>am</em> right. You just <em>need</em> to know. You have to.“ </p>
<p>He tried his hardest not to lose his temper, you saw it. A few months back he wasn’t able to – Eric had made a lot of progress, he developed, he tried to improve. „I don’t want to fight with you.“</p>
<p>„Too bad because we are already fighting.“ It felt like you were on two different one way streets that headed in opposite directions. You didn’t want the attempt to change it to be pointless. „But you’re right, we shouldn’t. And we won’t any longer.”</p>
<p>You gathered some clothes, threw them on and left. </p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>That wasn’t your only fight. A lot of them happened whenever Jeanine made new changes. You couldn’t hide your frustration, that you weren’t able to stop this dark revolution, in front of Eric anymore. He thought you were just pissed because of the simple fact that he trusted another woman more than you – it wasn’t that simple, though.</p>
<p>You found yourself in a position in which you barely functioned anymore. Nothing was working out. Your mission got pointless. The months went by and you just couldn’t get forward, you couldn’t do anything to stop the darkness that was rising.</p>
<p>You were sitting with a drink in the Pit, high up on a ledge. The commotion down there was kind of soothing. The many different voices blended together and gave the perfect background music to your current state of mind. How could the Bureau expect you to save a whole city? That should’ve been the mission of a dozen people. Why did they not send you to Chicago with your family together? Together you might have been able to make a small change. On your own, though, it was just wishful thinking. There had never been a real chance for you to change the game. Jeanine was too powerful. Chicago was too manipulable. <em>Eric was too lost in this mess.</em></p>
<p>Eric.</p>
<p>It was hard to lay in bed with him at night and ignore what was outside of your apartment walls. You tried so hard to think of a scenario in which things worked out because you didn’t want to give up on him. You couldn’t. It was <em>Eric.</em> He was everything. You didn’t want so say goodbye to what you had. You weren’t ready for that.</p>
<p>You had fallen for him almost a year ago. That was a long time – especially when you didn’t know how long this city would still exist. There were so many memories made this past year. And whenever he looked at you, it still ignited this fire under your skin.</p>
<p>He had seen you up there on the ledge. For a while you had ignored his stare but eventually you had to look at him, and nodded as agreement for him to come up to you. Again, you just couldn’t say no.</p>
<p>The neon lights made his skin shimmer blue. It looked odd but you always loved it. He looked a lot less dangerous this way.</p>
<p>Since you started fighting frequently a few months ago, Eric always sat a few inches away. You hated that you started to get furious when his thigh touched yours at the dinner table after you just had a huge fight. Even more, you hated that he had adjusted to your own aggressiveness. You wanted to feel him and enjoy it again without thinking about the possible nearing end of the thing between the two of you. You wanted him.</p>
<p>„Will this be all we have from now on?“ Eric wasn’t loud or harsh – he was hurt. Maybe even a little desperate. „Because I for sure don’t want this. I don’t want this gap between us. I don’t want this silence. I don’t want your eyes to look at me like this, without that glint that was once in them.“ His knuckles slowly turned white from gripping the beer bottle so hard. „I want you to burn for me again. Am I foolish for hoping this will come back one day?“</p>
<p>You had to swallow hard. He didn’t look at you when you looked at him. Eric stared down to the people. From up here you were able to see everyone. Most of them were drunk. Most of them didn’t have to sit next to their partner and frown over themselves. Why had it gotten so hard for you to interact with Eric?</p>
<p>„I don’t know.“ It was all you were able to say. <em>I hope so.</em></p>
<p>„Do you even love me still?“</p>
<p>„Of course I do.“ The lump in your throat made your eyes water up. You felt for his free hand and intertwined your fingers with his. Eric’s stiff body relaxed. For the first time in a long while you slid closer so your thighs touched again.</p>
<p>„Then why is it how it is?“</p>
<p>„You know why“, you sighed.</p>
<p>„Yeah.“</p>
<p>The proximity felt good. For a moment you could let yourself fall. You wrapped both arms around his biceps and tried to banish every single thought. </p>
<p>„Can we forget about it, Y/N? Only for tonight?“</p>
<p>You were sure that you couldn’t but you wanted to so bad. „I hope so.“</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When the nights ended you returned to the frustrating reality. Without much body contact or any romantic behavior. When the night came again, though, you were able to escape back to your safe space where you shut out all the bad and just lived for each other.</p>
<p>Your everything had changed. </p>
<p>You didn’t talk that much anymore. On purpose, though. When you wanted to make this work as long as possible, you had to limit the reasons that caused fights.</p>
<p>It wasn’t a solution. To be honest it just made things worse but you couldn’t with or without him.</p>
<p>And even after all that had happened, his fingertips on your spine... it was still, or even more so, one of the best feelings there was. The sun didn’t light up your apartment yet, but you could see it lurking behind the horizon. Eric’s fingers lazily dragged up and down your back. Dawn always had that special vibe – a day could bring so much, good and bad. Within a day everything could change. Every morning, when the sunlight slowly started to rise, you hoped it wouldn’t be the day where the rest of your everything would be taken away from you.</p>
<p>„I dreamed about you.“ His whisper was scratchy. You lived for his hoarse voice after waking up. When his throat was dry because he didn’t drink the whole night and had used his mouth to share his spit with you. <em>Yuck. Kissing is kinda unhygienic.</em> You studied his lips that slowly turned into a grin. Those totally seductive lips. <em>I slept in the most dirtiest places back during war in London – with open wounds because there had been nothing to cover them up with – that was way more unhygienic.</em></p>
<p>„What did you dream?“</p>
<p>When you quickly glanced up to his eyes, you saw he observed your lips as well. Before he answered, Eric softly pressed his lips on yours. That kiss was way more intense than the ones last night – those had just been demanding.</p>
<p>„Your hair had turned grey“, his fingers pushed a strand of hair out of your face. „We had been kicked out of Dauntless because we didn’t have the physical abilities to stay in anymore.“ Eric’s hand trailed down your naked body, coming to a rest at the back of your knee. „I didn’t know where we were, but that didn’t matter.“ His face came as close as possible. Your eyes couldn’t focus with this close distance anymore, so all your senses focused on his hot breath. It nearly made you go crazy. With his grip in your knee, he pulled you onto him. Eric knew what to do and how to do it to make you completely unable to function anymore.</p>
<p>You held onto his biceps to not crash down into him. Your breaths collided and mixed up, electrifying the air. How was he always able to do that with you? How could he win you over again and again? <em>How are you so perfect?</em></p>
<p>Eric’s hands engulfed yours. For a moment you thought he did it without a second thought. You should’ve known better by now. Suddenly he pulled your hands off his arms and you crashed down to him. The air escaped your lungs. You could feel all of him, <em>everything.</em> Out of reflex you wanted to punch him, but held yourself back. Instead you gave in. Completely. Once the day started, the risk of your everything not existing at the end of it got prominent again. The more time that passed, the more likely it got. </p>
<p>You didn’t want it to end. You wanted to love him until your hair turned grey.</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>No one was there when you went to get breakfast. They had all left for the Choosing Ceremony. This was an opportunity for Eric to sit right next to you. With your thighs touching, you pushed over the sugar for his coffee. He chewed on a waffle while his left hand moved from your knee up to your inner thigh.</p>
<p>„Thin ice, Eric“, you smirked, kissing his lips with the waffle between it and then returning the touch on his thigh.</p>
<p>Your body wasn’t used to this anymore. It felt like back in the beginning when the cat-and-mouse game had still been a thing.</p>
<p>„I think the ice is perfectly fine.“ He dropped the waffle and pulled you with both of his hands in your sides practically into him. His lips were breakfast enough today.</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>A few hours later you stood on the roof. One year ago you had arrived there. Now it was you waiting together with Eric for the new initiates. You still had some time, no train in sight yet. The two of you held hands, a gesture that was pretty rare lately. „What are you thinking?“</p>
<p>He squeezed your hand. „Thinking about you.“ Eric turned to you and flashed a smile. Oh man you adored his smile. He kissed the spot behind your ears and then whispered: „A year ago I only dreamed about you being mine. Never would I have imagined this would become reality one day.“</p>
<p>„You’re a happy man.“ It was more of a joke for you.</p>
<p>„I am.“ Not for him. His mouth turned to yours again. Your heart jumped at the feeling the kiss caused. <em>Eric. I love you. Always will.</em></p>
<p>The sound of an incoming train interrupted you at some point. There was a lot you would’ve given for this train to never come in.</p>
<p>When the first people jumped out of the train onto the roof, you let go of him. Max had charged Eric and you with training the new Dauntless-born initiates. Four and Lauren would be responsible for the transfer initiates. Instructing guards at the fence about new security changes was nothing like teaching someone to fight. You weren’t really the best teacher. Lucky for you, you didn’t get the transfers. With the Dauntless-borns it would be mostly like working out. They already knew a lot about fighting. Some stamina training and some test fights, then they should be good.</p>
<p>The Dauntless-borns looked ready for literally everything. You remembered how the adrenaline had rushed through your veins after the jump a year ago. Now you were here as a leader, waiting to welcome the new initiates.</p>
<p>The transfers were suspicious. Some of them were...</p>
<p>„Eric, my sister is here.“</p>
<p>He looked at you with wide eyes. Before he could return something, Lauren came over and reminded him to start giving his speech.</p>
<p>Your eyes were glued on her. A year ago your only sister had been Valerie. Now, the little Abnegation transfer with her grey dress was your other sister. Whenever you saw her the past year, you wanted to talk to her so badly. One time she had seen you jogging by – she didn’t wave or call out your name but her eyes brightened up. The same thing happened now again.</p>
<p>Beatrice stood among side the other initiates. Eric was talking but you didn’t really listen. Your ears were temporarily deaf. Until Beatrice’s mouth moved and said she’d jump first.</p>
<p>Indescribable pride filled your chest when she crawled on the wall as the first one. You had hoped to see her again but never did you think that would happen during initiation at Dauntless.</p>
<p>Eric’s attitude was back at being the prick of a leader he was. He wanted to make sure the possible new Dauntless’ didn’t think they could expect any mercy from him. When Beatrice hesitated, staring down into the dark hole, annoyed Eric told her to finally jump. <em>Seriously?</em> You looked at him, madness visibly in your face, but he didn’t even flinch. When it came to leadership you two weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend, you were two Dauntless leaders and Eric didn’t let anyone tell him how to act as a leader.</p>
<p>You crossed your arms, observed Beatrice’s jump and then all the others. Eric couldn’t hold himself back. He commented on a lot of other jumpers as well. <em>Idiot.</em></p>
<p>When all the other Dauntless members, that had been at the Choosing Ceremony, jumped, only you and Eric were left.</p>
<p>„That was unnecessary and unprofessional.“ Your arms were still crossed, his in the meantime as well.</p>
<p>He sighed. „Here we go again.“</p>
<p><em>Asshole.</em> „Why are you always making business stuff become personal stuff?“</p>
<p>„Because you don’t separate as well. And don’t tell me you do–“ The Prick tried to intimidate you with his proximity.</p>
<p>„Of course I do!“</p>
<p>„Then this is not because first jumper was your sister?“</p>
<p><em>Of course it is.</em> Eric started laughing when he saw your face. You tried not to show him but he knew your face too well. He never missed a single expression.</p>
<p>„Let me be a prick for once, okay?“ His close mouth hovered above yours. „Tonight I’ll stop again.“ <em>Ugh, the prick and his ego.</em></p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>The Dauntless-borns behaved like you had expected. Everyone was highly encouraged to do stamina training for the whole day. You and Eric used the opportunity and did the same. Even though you were both jogging at the same pace, you didn’t approve his demeanor. There had been no reason to push Beatrice with his words. But you didn’t talk to him about it. You hated that this was a topic you had to shut up about, in order to let your everything last a little longer.</p>
<p>Your first day of training initiates ended in the cafeteria where everyone sat together and talked about the initiation. Beatrice sat a few tables away but you couldn’t just head over and sit next to her, unfortunately. That would attract way too much attention. You waited for dinner to be finished when everyone was heading out into the Pit and got drunk. </p>
<p>For a while Beatrice was out of sight. When you found her again, she had just left the tattoo shop with some other transfer initiates. It took another while though, until her eyes finally found you. You nodded behind yourself to one of the many tunnels and she slowly came towards your direction. To make it a bit less suspicious you walked ahead of her and then waited around a corner.</p>
<p>A smile was forming on your lips when she finally stood in front of you.</p>
<p>„I’ve waited a year to see you again“, she smiled as well. Her hugs were almost as warm as Natalie’s.</p>
<p>„I would’ve never dreamed to meet you at Dauntless again, Beatrice.“</p>
<p>„I’m always good for surprises I guess. For example: I go by Tris now.“</p>
<p>When she let go of you again you could see why she had been in the tattoo shop. „Absolutely“, you agreed and eyed the four flying birds on her collarbone. „What are these for?“ </p>
<p>„My family.“ Her smile got even more sincere. „Me not included.“</p>
<p>When <em>she</em> wasn’t one of the four birds… were <em>you?</em> Your eyes moved from the tattoo back to her eyes. Her beaming glance was answer enough. You <em>were</em> the fourth bird. An instant wave of familiarity hit and engulfed your body and mind – you just had to hug her again. You had never lived for ‚faction before blood‘ because your parents had raised you in the knowledge that factions had been there to rise above them. In your last days in London you had seen how the factions shattered and a few remnants blurred together into a mess you had tried to save.</p>
<p>Beatrice, now Tris, and you weren’t related by blood but by heart and that was the same for you. You hoped, now that she was back in your life again, that you would at least have her on your side when things would get worse in Chicago.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I forgot to post yesterday haha</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tris and you spent a while catching up until she had to go back to the other initiates. You swore to yourself, when you saw her leaving, to do everything possible so that Tris would make it through initiation.</p>
<p>Her first few days didn’t go that well. Even though you were training the Dauntless-borns, you frequently checked in on the transfer initiates’ results. </p>
<p>Tris’ name was still under the red line this morning when Max ordered you to the office.  Initially, you were supposed to watch the transfer fights today but he announced another security change for the fence guards from Jeanine. With great reluctance you took a break from training initiates to change into your gear and jump in the train. It brought you to the fence where you, once again, passed Jeanine’s order to all the guardians ‚protecting‘ the city.</p>
<p>To spend the day away from Eric at the fence brought some weird peace to your mind. You hadn’t realised how worked up you had been these past days. Constantly switching between being lovers at night, leaders through daytime, and possible opponents should it come to a faction war was exhausting, extremely exhausting. You felt bad for it but, as you were staring out into the dry land, you questioned yourself if Eric was worth all of your struggle.</p>
<p>He could be kind and loving but what did that weigh if he was only that way to you? To everyone else he was… not polite was an understatement.</p>
<p>Wind was finding its way under your gear, cooling down your body a bit in the heat of the blazing sun. You wished you could stay here until the sun had completely set and the stars came out, but Max was probably waiting for your report. Even though all you would tell him was that you had informed the guards, you still had to tell him so he could tell Jeanine. And Max didn’t like to miss dinner so you had to hurry to get back to Dauntless. </p>
<p>Max had indeed waited for you in the office. He wasn’t mad yet though. Dinner time just had started when you entered the office and gave him your update. He even asked if you’d come with him to the cafeteria. You agreed because Max rarely was in a good mood at the end of a day. Usually you would’ve changed out of the full gear you wore but today was an exception.</p>
<p>As always, the cafeteria was filled with loud chatting, the smell of food and bright laughter. The leader table wasn’t complete. For example: Eric was missing and that wasn’t that bad right now. After having all those thoughts about him today it was good to have some distance.</p>
<p>Eating dinner in full gear was a lot more exhausting but you were also almost starving because you hadn’t eaten all day. With great concentration on finishing your burger, you followed some bits and pieces of several conversations – one of them caught your attention and forced you to stop eating. </p>
<p>Initiate one asked: „Where is she now?“</p>
<p>Initiate two answered: „Infirmary. I heard Eric kicked her out.“</p>
<p>„Who are you talking about?“ You almost shouted over the many voices in the cafeteria, interrupting their conversation. The two transfer initiates looked at you like you were a little crazy at first, but when they noticed your gear and you sitting at the leader table they must’ve remembered to better answer your question. </p>
<p>„Tris, a transfer initiate.“ Your heartbeat stopped – this couldn’t be real. You dropped the burger and got up, hurried over to the two initiates with your fists clenched around the weapons on your belt.</p>
<p>„What happened?“</p>
<p>They were truly irritated by your harshness you tried to cover your sorrow with. They hesitated and played with their burgers. </p>
<p>„Speak,“ you demanded.</p>
<p>„Eric... made her fight with Peter. He completely knocked her out.“ Something was crumbling inside you. Something good was breaking away and it left raw pain behind. And it turned into fury really quick.</p>
<p>The gear you still wore was heavy but you barely noticed it anymore on your way to the infirmary. With your fists still around the weapons you reached Tris laying on a bed in the infirmary. </p>
<p>Her eyes were closed. She didn’t move.</p>
<p>You reached for the papers on the table beside her bed and checked them. You didn’t understand it all too well but her injuries weren’t as bad as you had imagined them to be. Though, this Peter had beaten her up pretty badly. One doesn’t come to the infirmary because of only some bruises.</p>
<p>This was not right. And even though it had been a transfer Tris had fought with, it had been under Eric’s watch. It had been in Eric’s responsibility. It had happened because Eric wanted it to happen.</p>
<p>
  <em>Eric.</em>
</p>
<p>With a last glimpse on Tris, you left. Rushing through the tunnels, the grip around your weapons got even tighter – if that was even possible.</p>
<p>The wrath in your chest was building up with every step. Not only were you extremely mad because it was Tris that ended up in the infirmary, but also because Eric let a fight end like that in the first place. It was a horrible mistake he made as a leader. And that Tris had to suffer the consequences made everything even worse.</p>
<p>You didn’t find him in your apartment. He wasn’t in the office, the Pit or the tattoo shop either. That left only one place behind.</p>
<p>The sweat was dripping off your face when you finally reached the training halls. You immediately spotted him, sparring with someone. His broad shoulders were facing you from afar and this time, the only time ever, you didn’t have any consideration at all – you were storming up to him from behind and pushed him with all your power to the mat. The other Dauntless, he was training with, looked at you, must’ve noticed your fury, and left instantly.</p>
<p>Eric was rolling around, not knowing who had pushed him. His eyes viewed sudden realisation when he saw you standing there, tossing the knives from your belt to the ground so you wouldn’t use them on him.</p>
<p>„Are you fucking crazy?“ Even though you had dropped your knives, you still threw yourself onto him. Your whole body crashed down onto his so you could put your arm under his chin, to pin him down.</p>
<p>For a while you were kneeling over him like that. His silence and the guilt in his eyes were more than you were to able to cope with. Blinded by your emotions you rammed your fist in his face. It didn’t lessen your rage. It only made you more furious. </p>
<p>For the sake of not punching him a second time you got off him and fell next to him on the mat. The punch, the wrath, it drained your body like you were a stupid sponge full of water. „Why did you let that happen?“</p>
<p>Eric tried to hold in a sigh of desperation but in the end he had to let it out. „There’s nothing I could say to make up for this situation.“ He slowly sat up but didn’t dare to look at you. „Especially because this is simply what happens during initiation. You’re taking this personal again because she is your sister.“</p>
<p>„Fucking right, Eric!“ You hurried to get up. If you stayed this close to him you were so likely to throw punches again. „She is my little sister and you allowed someone to harm her. That means you harmed me as well.“</p>
<p>For a moment his face went blank. You had caught him off guard. „I would never do that, Y/N.“ </p>
<p>The hard thing about this was that it was the truth. He would never harm you – knowingly. Though, all those little moments where he had chosen Jeanine’s word over yours, where he had explained that you were the crazy one for thinking Jeanine was mad, where he had said words that irreparably destroyed something of your bond without one of you even noticing – all those moments have caused more harm than a punch ever could have.</p>
<p>Was that the beginning of the end? Would your everything end?</p>
<p>„Eric, tell me why we are we still holding on to this?“</p>
<p>„What do you mean?“ He looked at you now. The ignorance in his face crumbled. This part of his, which belonged to you, came through. And it was scared. </p>
<p>„Us.“</p>
<p>„No. Y/N don’t!“ He got up from the mat and came over, blocking you from turning away. „Don’t do that, Y/N.“</p>
<p>„Why not?“ You tried to loosen his grip on your arms but weren’t able to. „Why not, Eric?“, you shouted in his face. „All we ever did the last couple months was trying to deny the fact that we don’t work in the long term.“</p>
<p>„We would if you only stopped acting like a rebel in disguise! All you ever do is question everything and talk bad about Jeanine. If you’d act like a true Dauntless we would work out perfectly fine!“</p>
<p>„Are you being serious right now?“ You pushed him to finally get his hands off of you. „The only one here acting like a real Dauntless is me. Everyone else went nuts, following Jeanine’s orders only because soldiers follow orders. We’re more than that though. We have the duty to question if those orders are justified. You can’t just blindly harm, blindly kill people because someone says so. That degrades us from humans to monsters.“</p>
<p>„You think I’m a monster?“</p>
<p>„Unless we’re tangling in the sheets hell yes.“ It just slipped. At first you felt horrible because you thought you didn’t mean it. But the more time passed the clearer it got: Eric could be a monster. </p>
<p>That didn’t mean all his good parts subsided. They were laying in front of you right now and you were stamping on them, you could see it in his face.</p>
<p>You didn’t have enough yet, though. The only way to cope with your own pain seemed to put him in pain as well.</p>
<p>„Maybe we’re just not meant to be.“</p>
<p><em>„We are“,</em> Eric managed to whisper despite trying to understand what was going on and having a hard time doing so. „We can fix this, Y/N. All of it.“ He got close again and tried to touch you. For a moment you let him.</p>
<p>„We can’t and you know it.“ Taking a last, deep breath, you failed to muster up some strength. You couldn’t look into his eyes. „I’ll get my things from the apartment and will be gone by tonight.“</p>
<p>The sniffling sound coming from Eric got quieter with every step you brought between you and him. Your heart was heavy and you didn’t know if it would ever lighten up again.</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>The most you feared as a kid was fire and burglars. Way before the factions in London started to fall apart. Today, it was the end of this night and what would happen after it. With all that had happened you didn’t know if you would survive losing him. It seemed so impossible, so just-not-makeable. But it also seemed so necessary. It couldn’t just go on like this. You would tear yourself apart as well as what was still left of your relationship with Eric. Even though it didn’t feel like it was a lot left right now. Still, you wanted the few good feelings you had for him to live on before they would turn into bitterness and disappointment. And the most ugly one: betrayal.</p>
<p>You pulled the drawers almost out of the cupboards in order to get your clothes out of them. The poor cupboards didn’t deserve your wrath but it was the only way you were able to separate your things. If not for your rage you were likely to give in once more and last longer in this mess. Or break down crying, trying not to pack a shirt of his.</p>
<p>The heavy gear you still wore made you sweat through it. When you came to a stop, seeing the stupid little sculptures above the bed, sweat dripped from your eyebrow into your eye. It made you tear up. You had bought the ugly decoration from the 200 points you had won from Eric. He didn’t believe you when you said you could carry all your stuff in your arms to his apartment.</p>
<p>Now you were taking it away again. This time in a backpack filled with far less than you had brought with you. You just wanted this to be done. Quickly.</p>
<p>The door was pulled opened behind you, causing you to pause, your hand halfway to shoving stuff into your backpack.</p>
<p>Eric didn’t say a word and you didn’t hear him move.</p>
<p>You had to be okay with what was in your backpack now – you didn’t want to stay here any longer. With him.</p>
<p>When you turned around, though, the pain etched deeply into his face almost brought you to your knees. It was worse than a punch in your guts.</p>
<p>There was no way of getting out of the apartment without coming close to him one last time. And to be true: you wanted to be close to him one last time despite it all.</p>
<p>You already missed him dragging you onto his chest, wrapping his arms around you when you couldn’t sleep and carrying you with him into sleep. How were you supposed to fight your nightmares from now on?</p>
<p>The backpack fell to your feet when you stood right in front of him. You had avoided any mirrors but were sure your face must’ve looked just the same as his.</p>
<p>„I don’t want you to go. I don’t want this to be over.“ Eric didn’t dare to look away from you in the last moments he had with you. He knew he couldn’t change what would come. He knew it was pointless to even try. He had hurt you the worst way possible. He had to pay for it.</p>
<p>Guilt was trying to search a way into your heart but you had to shut it out. You granted the two of you a last moment together as a couple. Tiptoeing, you pulled his face to yours and pressed your lips on his. You demanded every inch of him. You tried to relive every happy moment you had shared the past year. You wanted to be his forever but you couldn’t.</p>
<p>His hands were all over your body, trying to save every touch into his memory. He held you close but when your lips left his, he knew it was almost over.</p>
<p>Resting your forehead against his, it was upon you to pull back completely and leave. <em>One more moment.</em></p>
<p>The way your eyes were burning told you there were a lot of tears rolling down your cheeks. If you didn’t do it now, you would never do it.</p>
<p>You kissed Eric’s forehead and lingered with your lips there for longer than you should have. <em>This can’t be real. I can’t do this.</em></p>
<p>„You are breaking my heart right now.“ He hardly got out his words, trembling under the touch of your lips on his skin.</p>
<p>Then you finally broke the skin contact and shouldered your backpack. „I’m breaking mine as well.“</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>With you closing the apartment door, Eric turned into your ex-boyfriend. You left and didn’t look back. It was done. Earlier than you thought it would happen but later than it should’ve.</p>
<p>Lily gave you shelter for the night. And the following nights. You didn’t sleep, though. And you didn’t eat. You worked, that’s the only thing you did, avoiding talks with literally everyone. On patrol at the fence, you tripped over your own feet from the nauseous feeling in your empty stomach. You fell forward and scraped your palms, and that was the moment when it really hit. That’s when you finally felt a dagger stabbing right into your lungs, cutting its way to your heart, scratching it open and pulling you to a place you didn’t want to go to.</p>
<p>Unable to get up, even amid your bloody hands, you stared out into the vastness beyond the fence. In this very moment you blamed the Bureau for sending you here, for giving you the possibility to feel this pain in the first place. But you couldn’t blame them. It was you. You had fallen for him. They didn’t make you do it. You decided to use Eric and that totally backfired.</p>
<p>The lurking pain in your chest, trying to conquer every part of your body and tear you down, was both yours and his fault. That realisation didn’t lessen it in any way, though. If anything, it made it harder.</p>
<p>It made it harder to get back up on your feet, to carry yourself towards the train that took you back to the Dauntless compound. It made it harder to go to the infirmary and ask for help with your hands, so you didn’t.</p>
<p>Returning to the office, you let yourself flop in your chair. The exhaustion of today slightly wore off, once you sat down. Pulling out a drawer from your desk, the first medicine you’d treat your hands with was a bottle of whiskey. Instead of using the booze to disinfect your palms, you poured it in your throat. Some long gulps later, you fumbled through the drawer for some actual necessities to dress your wounds.</p>
<p>Some old bandages, not used before though, were stuffed way in the back. It was probably from even before your time as a leader. You took them out and started to sloppily wrap each hand. As the bandage went around and around, your eyes kept glaring ahead of you occasionally, glaring at Eric’s desk. In the past year, you had sat opposite each other countless times, him doing some idiotic thing to make you laugh, and you throwing something at him to make him stop so you could focus on your work. The memory made the dagger inside your chest pierce even deeper.</p>
<p>Trying, and failing, to fix the mess on your palms, you gave up on it, deciding the booze in your veins would unfortunately seal the deal.</p>
<p>Tonight you decided to live up to the real Dauntless leader image and barked commands at the people around you, as soon as you stepped foot into the cafeteria. Your palms were stinging with pain, one hand definitely more irritated from clutching the whiskey bottle, but you welcomed it. It distracted you from the chaotic aftermath of the breakup. For a short time.</p>
<p>You didn’t care who you commanded orders to, the nearest people were the ones to take the brunt of your anger as you tried to be in control of at least one thing. It wasn’t like you could control your thoughts but you could control those around you. You made them bring you another bottle and alongside a straw. <em>Better that way for the hands.</em></p>
<p>Ignoring the stares when you sat down at the leader table, you ordered another person to get you food. Even though you still weren’t hungry, you didn’t want to repeat the result from not eating at all.</p>
<p>„What happened?“ Four had been sitting down opposite you, initially to talk to Max what was next to him, but he got distracted by your hands.</p>
<p>„Fell“, you scowled, not even trying to be friendly.</p>
<p>One of his eyebrows pulled up, sceptical of your uncommon coldness towards him. „You want me to get Eric?“ </p>
<p>You froze at his question, pulling on the straw to get more booze into your veins.</p>
<p>Even more sceptical, he asked further. „Where is he anyways?“</p>
<p>„I don’t fucking care“, you snapped, standing up and snatching the bottle. It slipped from your burning hand and shattered, bursting into a thousand pieces when it hit the ground. <em>„Fuck.“</em></p>
<p>All eyes were on you, the people startled by your sudden outburst of aggression. Some of the leaders got up on their feet, knowing instantly something was off with you, and they didn’t know how you’d react. Four reached out, tried his best calm you down, but you pushed his arms away. „Don’t fucking touch me.“</p>
<p>Max climbed to his feet as well and came over to assess and take care of the situation. „Four, go and search for Eric so he can take her drunk ass home.“</p>
<p>„You won’t! I can take care of myself.“ Feeling tipsy, stumbling from one spot to another, the dagger in your chest didn’t seem to vanish. „Everything’s perfectly fucking fine.“ The booze was pushing adrenaline into the part of your brain that made you recklessly give a fuck on everything.</p>
<p>„Find him“, Max ordered to Four.</p>
<p>„I’ll break your bones if you get him.“ Your threat was out before your drunken mind realised you should’ve bitten your tongue.</p>
<p>Four, Max and the other leaders were immensely irritated. The folks around you were watching entertained, waiting for you to stick up to your threat and throw some punches, but it didn’t get that far.</p>
<p>Four was locking eyes with Lauren who had come up by his side. They nodded at each other after a few seconds and faster than your brain could comprehend, they had you in their firm grips, dragging you out of the cafeteria, to a corner in the Pit, and sat you down on a ledge. Not without your loud, distorted voice demanding them to let go of you, though.</p>
<p>Instead of judging you for your irrational behaviour, they started asking questions. They knew something had caused you to act totally unlike yourself. <em>Someone had.</em></p>
<p>„What’s going on?“ </p>
<p>With no bottle left to drink the question away with, you were forced to answer under their stares. „I broke up with him.“</p>
<p>„Oh.“</p>
<p>Yeah. <em>Oh.</em></p>
<p>„Why?“</p>
<p>„Because he’s a monster“, you hissed in pain. You were confused by the choice of words that spewed from your mouth as you meant to say he was the love of your life but not meant to stay with you for ever. </p>
<p>Lily came around. She must’ve observed the scene you had caused in the cafeteria. After some discussion with Four and Lauren, she took you back to her place. You hadn’t told her about the breakup when you knocked at her door, asking to crash on her couch for a few nights. Now that she knew, her eyes observed you with that little glint of pity in it. You hated it. A breakup wasn’t that bad. Was it?</p>
<p>It shouldn’t be, you decided.</p>
<p>But it was. It had been <em>him</em> you had broken up with after all.</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>The night crawled under his skin. He had been sitting on this rooftop for a couple of hours, only wearing a t-shirt. When he first got up here the temperature outside had still been pretty warm, but as soon as the sun set, the coldness that came with the dark sky was trying seep into his bones. And he let it happen. Eric wanted it to freeze his heart so it wouldn’t feel that broken, even just for a little bit.</p>
<p>He had never really experienced anything like this before. Sure, he thought he had been in love before and obviously that relationship had ended. Right now though, he didn’t think it had been love back then. What he had with you made him question everything he ever felt before you came into his picture. That bond between you and him – it was so deeply anchored in his heart, making him want to rip it out because you had cut the bond just like that.</p>
<p>To be honest, Eric didn’t really know if he even had a ‚heart‘ before… well… you. He had been able to connect with people and feel affection, but it all had felt like he was obligated to do so. And then with you everything changed. You had snuck your way in through his cracks and turned his inside upside down, releasing something he hadn’t been able to do on his own. Maybe it had been waiting exactly for you to do so. Actually, <em>not</em> maybe. It had. Something in this universe had known that he was meant to fall for you. No one else.</p>
<p>With the darkness hovering above his head and his cold skin giving him shivers, he still didn’t feel his heart freeze.</p>
<p>You were still there, in his mind, his soul, his whole being.</p>
<p>Maybe the only way to get rid of the pain, your absence caused was to punch it all out. Eric slowly stood and made his way to the Pit when the lonely rooftop didn’t do any good for him anymore. He needed, he must, let out some of his heavy heart. </p>
<p>Drunk people filled the Pit, spilling drinks, bickering and shouting over each other’s heads. Forcing his way through them, Eric overheard bits and pieces of conversations. Your name was spoken in a way he didn’t like at all – they made fun of you. When one of them caught sight of Eric, giving them a death glare, they went silent.</p>
<p>Stopping in front of that guy, only an inch away from his face, Eric seized him by his collar. „Who gives you the right to talk shit about Y/N?“ The veins in his neck grew prominent and his knuckles turned white. „Fucking answer.“</p>
<p>„No one.“ Flinching under Eric’s aggravated proximity, the guy attempted to slither his way out of it.</p>
<p>„Why did you, then?“ Eric didn’t let him go.</p>
<p>„I don’t know. She’s been pretty drunk, causing a scene at the cafeteria earlier… I shouldn’t have said she’s a foolish mess. I’m sorry.“</p>
<p>Eric didn’t really hear his words after hearing you were drunk. He let him go. Turned around. His eyes were searching for something in particular to deafen his thoughts and feelings. And it had to be done fast. The fights.</p>
<p>He pushed his way through the crowd, to the inner circle. A fight had just come to its end, leaving the winner with a black eye and the loser with a broken nose. Eric pulled his shirt up, which he had pulled on only minutes earlier, and threw it to the ground.</p>
<p>„I’m next,“ he shouted over to the winner. No one stood in his way. Only the winner a bit surprised, nervous, not really too delighted by his next opponent, but he didn’t really have a choice.</p>
<p>With someone opening the fight with a raised hand and a loud ‚Go‘, Eric rushed forward, rose his fist, and threw it into the other ones face. He could hear a crack when his knuckles met the nose, sending the clearly-defeated guy to the ground.</p>
<p>„Winner.“ Someone yelled, pointing in Eric’s direction. His victory didn’t bring him any satisfaction, though. None of his feelings had vanished, nor did it hurt less.</p>
<p>„Who’s next?“ Maybe he just needed more than one punch to solve this mess inside of him.</p>
<p>A towering, extremely well built man was stepping forward. Eric knew he was one of the best fence guards Dauntless had. He was probably the only opponent who could serve Eric what he was looking for: oblivion.</p>
<p>With another ‚Go‘ he reached forward, placing a first punch, a second as well. After his third one, Eric finally received a fist on his skin as well. And for a while, every time he got hit, it almost felt like it slowly drained some of the pain out of his system. The pain escaped from his heart in the same way his veins lost blood from the well-earned scrapes. Until it didn’t anymore. That’s when something inside his brain shifted and dismissed any sense of hesitation and mercy – which he already hardly had.</p>
<p>His fists were raining down on this guy in a speed Eric never really had them moving before. Rage was building up and that, finally, numbed some of the chaos you had left. With every punch, hitting the opposing defense, the memory of your skin touching Eric’s, your scent in his nose, you telling him you loved him, drifted further away. Just as Eric had wished.</p>
<p>Eric should’ve stopped beating up the fence guard when he fell to the floor. He didn’t. He only did when he got pulled off of him and got told he’d won.</p>
<p>„Next“, was the sole thing Eric uttered under his heavy breathing.</p>
<p>Four had still been in the Pit, occasionally observing the fights. The last five minutes, with Eric showing up and wracking havoc, had him worried.</p>
<p>„First her, and now him. They both know how to cause a scene.“ Lauren grumbled while crossing her arms in disapproval. „Who’s gonna stop him?“</p>
<p>„I only know one who could.“ And before Eric would send every single Dauntless to the infirmary, Four decided to better get that one.</p>
<p>Hurrying out of the Pit, leaving his drink and Lauren behind, he found himself in front of Lily’s door pretty fast, as her apartment was basically right outside the Pit. Not caring if you already slept your delirium away, Four banged his fist against the metal.</p>
<p>Some cursing was heard before the door was opened. Lily was a little confused to find Four knocking at her door.</p>
<p>„Is she able to walk?“</p>
<p>„I made her shower. Currently…“, she opened the door a little further to give view to you, drinking water. Two empty bottles already laid on the table in front of you.</p>
<p>„We need her in the Pit.“</p>
<p>„Not the right time, Four.“</p>
<p>He ruffled his hair before gripping the door handle and making his way into the apartment. „It is.“ Walking over to you, a straw still attached to your lips and drinking, Four directed his words to you. „Eric is causing problems in the Pit. You’re the next leader in charge to make him stop. And if he won’t listen to a command, he’ll listen to you.“</p>
<p>Your sipping stopped and an exasperated, yet worried expression appeared on your face. </p>
<p>You got up without saying a word, pulled on your hood, and passed Four who probably followed close behind, you but you couldn’t tell. You only focused on stopping whatever Eric had gotten himself into now.</p>
<p>The Pit was close by and the fight wasn’t to miss. You saw Eric’s figure from afar, punching down relentlessly onto Randy, the guy you had fought during your initiation.</p>
<p>Closing the distance as fast as you could, you instantly got between them, Eric’s flying fist accidentally hitting you in the face.</p>
<p>„Fucking stop it,“ you shoved against him with full force, getting some space between him and Randy. It took a few moments until Eric realised who had gotten between. His temper dropped suddenly and pain reappeared in his grey eyes, just how you had last seen them. The dagger stabbed right through your chest, even though you still had too much alcohol flowing through your veins for it to reappear already.</p>
<p>Ignoring the throbbing of your left eye where Eric’s fist hit, you grabbed his arm and dragged him after you. Leading the two of you away from the staring crowd, you guided him to the only place no one would be. </p>
<p>Only after arriving at the chasm did you let go of him, but you didn’t let him out of eye sight in case he decided to go back, picking up another fight and breaking more bones than he already must’ve broken.</p>
<p>His chest was heaving rapidly. Eric didn’t wear a shirt, his sweaty bare torso covered in already bruising marks and scrapes. He didn’t stand still, swaying from foot to foot and refusing to look at you.</p>
<p>„Listen, Eric. I know it’s not easy but–“</p>
<p>„Easy for you to say,“ he scoffed, accidentally locking eyes with you. And now he wasn’t able to look away anymore.</p>
<p>„You think that?“ With the dagger drilling even deeper with his words, you couldn’t look at him any second longer.</p>
<p>Eric didn’t respond to it. He knew perfectly well that it wasn’t easy for both of you. He just didn’t know how to deal with you now. After everything. „Did I hurt you?“ Observing your profile, he felt guilty your eye was bloating up like a ballon with each passing minute.</p>
<p>„Not with your fist.“ A deep sigh escaped your lips when you sat down on the bridge, letting your eyes wander down to the roaring water. „But I hurt you too.“</p>
<p>Eric slowly made his way over and sat down next to you. You scooted away, not wanting to touch him.</p>
<p>„Can I not even sit next to you anymore?“</p>
<p>„No.“</p>
<p>All the punches he had thrown and the numbness that came with them was gone by now. Your low whisper was bringing back the pain with such an intensity, he couldn’t physically stop his eyes from watering. „I’m afraid I’ll stop breathing at some point without your proximity, Y/N.“</p>
<p>You couldn’t answer. His words described exactly how it felt being apart from him.</p>
<p>„I’m afraid I’ll lose myself.“ </p>
<p>
  <em>Me too, Eric.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Chapter 15</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There had been mornings you couldn’t stand up. The alarm woke you. There was work that waited to be done, but it was hard to move. It was hard to breathe once your sleepy mind processed where you were. In your new, small apartment – not the one you had shared with Eric. Because you and Eric… weren’t anymore.</p>
<p>Then, when you finally stood up, you realised it all over again. That’s when the burning rage usually settled in. It was accompanying you every day now since that night at the chasm. The fear of losing yourself as well, after losing Eric, made you irritable and aggressive. The times where you had been friendly to the people around you were long gone. All your thoughts circled around the mission you were unable to fulfill. Being left with no strategy to go further, you somehow made it day by day and found yourself in the training compound each night.</p>
<p>Tris passed her initiation today. You had observed her simulation like all the others. It had been your responsibility as a leader. So was following Max to his office afterwards and being instructed on tonights plan. You got the feeling he and the other leaders, including Eric, anticipated what was about to happen. They coordinated how to gather all of Dauntless in the Pit to implant the transmitters and then analysed the plans for the run on Abnegation. It made you sick to your stomach. </p>
<p>Max ordered you as a leader to stay behind and observe the mission from a control room he was constantly talking about. It seemed that Erudite people were supposed to be there to control the simulations. </p>
<p>How could you stop this? How could you stop the possible death of hundreds of Abnegations?</p>
<p>Eric shot you a glance when Max released everyone until you were needed later. He took a step towards you but you shook your head and tried to leave the office without being confronted with his raspy voice.</p>
<p>Eric’s hand on your arm held you back from the door. „Just promise me not to do anything reckless.“</p>
<p>Those had been the first words from him in days. To hear his voice was… scratching at your insides, trying to remove the dagger and bring you back into his arms. „You shouldn’t ask me for something I can’t guarantee.“ But you couldn’t allow yourself to go back. Not now and not ever. „And don’t touch me.“ Brushing his grip off harshly, you rushed out and away from the offices. Your feet took you to the welcoming training hall. </p>
<p>Flinging your knuckles into the hard surface of the punch bag, the thoughts inside of your head got louder with every hit. Usually they started to die down and give you space to breathe, not today, though. Soon, they would gather all of Dauntless and change their individual fates forever. They would turn them from soldiers into killers.</p>
<p>With more force, as an attempt to finally quiet your head, you punched your knuckles into the surface. When at some point the blood started to spill, you stopped hunting for something you wouldn’t get tonight. The guilt was too prominent. It ate away all of your sanity.</p>
<p>Maybe Abnegations didn’t have to die tonight. You could delay the plans for a while until you found another plan to fulfill your mission. Your positive outlook for your mission was currently sitting at the bottom of the chasm, but you had to at least do… something.</p>
<p>Gathering the clothes you had peeled yourself out of during your training session, and throwing them on again, you hurried out to the Pit. If you were able to destroy the serum supplies it would buy some time. Assuming Erudite didn’t have a backup, of course.</p>
<p>To have a sense of time was always complicated in the underground tunnels of Dauntless, especially after you vividly punched your knuckles into that lifeless bag for who knows how long.</p>
<p>A knot grew in your stomach the closer you got to the Pit. There had been too many people. More than you had ever seen being there. They were lined up in several queues, taking a single step forward every few seconds. <em>Too late.</em></p>
<p>Some Dauntless leaders and a lot of high ranked guards were giving injections to every member of Dauntless. <em>Too fucking late.</em> What did you think? That you could’ve changed anything with the simple destruction of the transmitter serum? <em>Get your shit together and grow a brain.</em></p>
<p>Heavily frustrated by your inability to accomplish anything in favor of your mission, you hurried out. You couldn’t stand and watch them send your people into a bloody night. And more so, you couldn’t let any of the members see you and force you to inject fellow Dauntless’ as well.</p>
<p>Your feet barely moved on their own. Your sense of responsibility screamed at you to do something, to not let them slip into the night just like that. Unbeknownst to them, they would awake from their simulation to find it wasn’t a simulation, but bloody reality. Suddenly the page of an old book flashed before your eyes. The drawing of a sunflower, a single, bright yellow petal falling from it, lingering in the air right before it would hit the soil. You kneeled down, loosened the shoelaces and removed the shoe from your feet. Under the sock there was a tattoo of said drawing – but instead of that single petal floating to the ground, it was right at the place where it should be, perfectly aligned with the other petals. Back in London you had been so determined to do everything right. Make the right decisions, choose the right faction, lead the revolution. And then everything had turned around so fast that ended up London falling apart. </p>
<p>
  <em>London will happen. Again.</em>
</p>
<p>It won’t. It can’t.</p>
<p>There was still time. You still could, you must, still somehow save this city, save the people, save the initial goal.</p>
<p>Getting back in your shoe and tying the laces, you rushed off to your small apartment. Your shift in the control room would start in the middle of the night, still a few hours to go. If you got two hours of sleep now, you could wake up early enough to go and have a look at the control room before every one else would show up. Hopefully, you could find a way to manipulate this planned massacre.</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>It was like an invasion of ants. Erudite was all over the control room, and they observed you intensely, given you were the only high-ranked Dauntless there. They had installed a lot of monitors, all shielded and operated by a person dressed in blue.</p>
<p>Even amid the lack of sleep, there wasn’t a second to feel tired. No yawning, no rubbing eyes to keep them focused, no distracting thoughts. You kept yourself on edge to make sure you didn’t miss a single move the Dauntless made or a chance to somehow sabotage the operation.</p>
<p>Watching from the sidelines, as the Dauntless exited the trains and made their way to the Abnegation estates, was thrilling, but in a very negative way. Sweat was building on the back of your neck. Repeatedly you tried to dry your palms on your clothes, but it didn’t work.</p>
<p>Admittedly, you kept an eye on Eric, making sure he was okay. You should stop caring but couldn’t in the state you were in. Searching for Tris on the screen frequently, it took you way too long to find her. And when you did, it was too late. She didn’t act like the other Dauntless, outing herself as Divergent shortly after Four did. They were facing Eric and Max. You tried to remain stone cold on the surface but were as unstable as an earthquake inside. Fortunately, you didn’t have to hold anything because it would’ve dropped out of your wet palms when Tris shot Eric.</p>
<p>Your heart skipped several beats. Given that Tris had her problems with Eric, and you yourself wanted to beat the shit out of him for it, the shot was justified. But it still… </p>
<p>After your heart found its rhythm again, it decided to speed it up and deafen out every surrounding sound.</p>
<p>Eric was down on the ground, Tris and Four tried to flee but Tris got shot too. They were captured, brought to Jeanine and she sentenced Tris to an immediate death.</p>
<p>Aware of your own inability to hold up that mask any longer, you left the command room. You weren’t able to watch her die, knowing you hadn’t done enough to protect her. To protect any other Dauntless from their fate. All you had ever done was fail. Rounding some corners and hiding behind boxes with ammunition, you knelt down, crammed the hem of your shirt into your mouth, and screamed. The chocking sound leaving your body freed all of the anxiety that had risen. It engulfed you, dragging you deep down to where you were left behind, facing your purpose of preventing all of that, when you were brought inside this fence a year ago.</p>
<p>There was no way you could endure this any longer. You didn’t know how. And you didn’t know why no one from outside had sent you a message, instructions, any sort of guidance how to do a 180 or simply write a note to leave because it was a lost cause.</p>
<p>Why did they not reach out?</p>
<p>Did they… if they didn’t reach out… was it not lost yet? Was there still something you could do to possibly change the outcome from what had just started?</p>
<p>Your knees were hurting when you climbed back up on your feet. You weren’t sure how long you were  crouching on the floor, but when you headed through the tunnels, with a certain destination in mind, you were suddenly passing by a raging Jeanine. She didn’t care for your presence, she was too caught up in furiously interrogating one of her companions.</p>
<p>„Do you have any news yet about Beatrice and her mother?“</p>
<p>„They are still on the run since her mother saved her from being sh-“ One of the Erudite’s, giving Jeanine the update, was also talking on the phone, stopping in his sentence. „New update, Ma’am. Natalie Prior has been eliminated by one of the Dauntless troops, the daughter escaped.“</p>
<p>You stopped in your tracks, blankly staring at the ground as you listened to the echo of their steps moving away from you, down the tunnel, probably to the command room. They killed her. <em>Natalie.</em> They killed her.</p>
<p>Feeling the ground beneath your feet tremble and open up, you were sure you would fall into a hole and just disappear. But you didn’t. You still stood there, still breathing, your heart still pumping blood through your veins, and slowly fueling your anger. An anger, so loud and demanding it needed to be released. Continuing your way, rushing to the infirmary, you ordered the doctor to leave the room when you spotted whose wound they were trying to stitch up. </p>
<p>„Are you actually okay with all of what’s happening right now? People getting killed, Dauntless turned into murderers without them being able to do the slightest about it?“</p>
<p>Eric pressed down to his leg since the doctor followed your order and left. He seemed alarmed – and he should be because you couldn’t guarantee not to take a gun and give him another hole into the other leg as well.</p>
<p>„I know it’s maybe not the best way but certain situations are asking for certain actions.“</p>
<p>„Eric fucking stop that bullshit!“ Watching the man you love – you wished there was a way your love for him could be one day referred to in the past tense – still holding onto Jeanine’s ideals pulled the trigger for you. Trying to hold yourself back from jumping at his throat and shaking some sense into him, you kicked at the bed he was laying in. „They killed my… mother. And they tried to kill Tris as well.“</p>
<p>He didn’t know Natalie and Tris weren’t related by blood to you, but they were by heart, and for you it didn’t make a difference.</p>
<p>His jaw dropped. His fingers loosened the pressure around his wound, blood started to seep out of it again. „She’s a… Divergent“, stating the obvious reason as to why they tried to kill Tris. „Y/N, I’m sorry for your loss. I didn’t know-“</p>
<p>„Of course you didn’t know. You’ve been shot by my sister and brought here. And let me tell you, Eric, you deserved that shot.“ Obviously struggling with the feeling of guilt since you lost someone close to you, he still got mad, you saw it in his face. But unlike your urge to go after his throat, you couldn’t hold back your words. „Fucking open your eyes, Eric. You can’t be so stupid, I know you’re not.“</p>
<p>In the last year you had tried so many times to appeal to his intelligence, tried to show him the bigger picture, but Jeanine’s influence had been too strong.</p>
<p>Before you left, because staying here any longer wasn’t an option – you had to search for Tris – you wanted to try one last time. „See what’s happening here. Jeanine’s plans? They’re so far away from what should happen here. Living here shouldn’t be about corruption and eradicating a whole group of people because they ‚don’t fit in‘. The faction system was created for people to live in harmony, to grow peacefully, to find their strength in sticking together and solving heated topics without violence. It certainly wasn’t created to go after people that developed more than one trait out of the five this community was divided in.“</p>
<p>Gritting his teeth in pain, Eric dragged himself to his feet and closed the distance between the two of you. Eric eyed you with a glance you hadn’t seen in a while. It was that rare one, the one when he tried to dig deeper, tried to get under your skin and find every single secret you held. It was a feared expression of the unknown, finding something he shouldn’t know about but also had to because his glimpse was filled with love at the same time.</p>
<p>„Y/N.“ Even though all the medical staff was outside, Eric’s voice was only a whisper. „Are you a Divergent?“</p>
<p>He finally asked it. Took him long enough. </p>
<p>„If we would’ve given you that serum last night, would you have followed the orders?“</p>
<p>Slowly shaking your head, Eric took a few steps back in the same pace. „Divergents are not bad. They are supposed to evolve from this thing here. They are the reason why we are even in here, Eric. Divergents are not the enemy.“</p>
<p>You couldn’t read him right now. Finding the answer to his question should make him run out, alarm the others, grab a gun and put a bullet in your head. <em>„You</em> are not the enemy.“ A sudden relief flooded your brain, thinking he finally understood, only to be taken away the next second again. „But all the others are. They will destroy the faction system.“</p>
<p>The dagger in your chest, your heart growing numb again, you finally resigned. „They are supposed to destroy and rise above it.“ Taking in every detail of him, his confused eyes, the blood on his leg, the broad shoulders, the arms you thought would forever protect you from your nightmares. „I am supposed to.“</p>
<p>Turning around and leaving the infirmary, you would’ve never thought that the dagger in your chest could go any deeper, but it did once again.</p>
<p>A lot of things you never thought could hurt so much… did today. To put all your focus on finding Tris now, was the only way to keep walking and put more distance between Eric and you.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Chapter 16</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Not knowing how much time you had left until Eric would tell someone, everyone, you were a Divergent as well, you hurried through the tunnels of the Dauntless compound. The best chance you had to find Tris, before you left to search every single street, was the Dauntless command room. Not the temporary one Erudite had established for their sickening operation.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, your plans were destroyed. It shouldn’t surprise you anymore because your plans barely ever worked out in the past.</p>
<p>„Y/N, are you getting paid for doing nothing? For fuck’s sake move your ass along.“ Startled by Max’ sudden appearance, and fellow Dauntless soldiers who hadn’t been in the simulations, you closed the distance on them and followed wherever they were going. You were still one of the leaders and supposed to give your full concentration to this operation. Working your way forth to Max, you asked what was going on.</p>
<p>„Intruders.“ His voice made clear you should know about what was going on. To act like you did know, you pulled one of the guns from your belt and cocked it.</p>
<p>When the troop and you reached that shithole of Erudite command room, everything seemed destroyed. An unconscious Jeanine was laying on the floor. Some form of fight had happened here, she was covered in blood. <em>Good.</em></p>
<p>„Maybe they are still here somewhere. Split up and find them. Get them alive.“ Breaking the view of Jeanine laying on the floor, you saw what videos Max was replaying. Security cameras in the room recorded how Tris had snuck her way in, fighting with Four, freeing him from the simulation he was caught up in and beating Jeanine with her own weapon. They made her stop the operation in Abnegation. Dauntless were waking up from a dream, shocked and confused about what they had been forced to do. And it showed that Tris and Four successfully left this ridiculous command room.</p>
<p>In hopes of finding the two before someone else could, you left the room with your gun at the ready. But leaving without the people you had rushed in there, made your surroundings clearer, less crowded. A lifeless body was laying on the ground, wrapped in grey fabric. The man was laying in a different tunnel from the one you took there. His face was facing the ceiling, blood had run out of his mouth and ended in a puddle under his head. Andrew.</p>
<p>After Natalie was killed, Tris fled from the situation, and she must’ve met him somehow and brought him with her here.</p>
<p>You knew you were standing there for too long when some other Dauntless were passing by, looking at you with puzzled expressions because you were a Dauntless leader and shouldn’t care about a dead Abnegation. But they didn’t know he was your ‚father‘. Before every single emotion could hit you again, you commanded your stiff body to move. The movements of your thighs against each other and the dull sound of your shoes on the ground somehow kept you from falling into shock again. It allowed you to escape Dauntless. Tris would try to get away as far as possible; she was with Four and you knew how clever he was. They would go to a place Dauntless suspected them least likely going to. </p>
<p>When you reached the tracks and followed them downtown, you realised after a while that you couldn’t take the next train that would pass by. Eric was still there. When he told Max about you, not only would Tris and Four would be wanted, but you as well.</p>
<p>When the Dauntless were searching for someone, the city patrols had a few spots where they would ask factionless about informations. You decided to hide in an abandoned building nearby where you could watch for them if they should appear.</p>
<p>Hours passed as you concentrated on the streets and shut out every shaking thought that wanted a shot at breaking you down. You were fidgeting with your weapons, keeping your fingers occupied so your mind would be too. When finally some Dauntless patrols were reaching the factionless, way after the sun had set, you only heard the names of Tris and her companions, but not yours. Didn’t they want to give away that one of Dauntless’ highest leaders was a renegade? Or did they not know yet in the first place?</p>
<p>When they disappeared out of your vision, with your dry throat asking for some water, you had to make a decision on your next move. You weren’t in a state to make deliberate decisions, though. The only right thing to do was go out and search for Tris. But your feet didn’t. Why did the patrols not search for you? The most stupid thing to do was go back to Dauntless and find out – so that’s exactly what you did.</p>
<p>If they knew about you being Divergent, you probably would put Tris in even more danger if you went out to find her. And if they didn’t… you needed to know why.</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>Even though you pushed the tragic events and their emotional impact on you away, it was still lurking. It made your heart heavy and your body numb. You wanted to escape somehow. Finding yourself in front of your old apartment you had shared with Eric, and already opening it with the key you still had, you closed the door behind you as quietly as you could. You feared to scare away the comfort you hoped to find in here. But instead of comfort you found a sleeping Eric.</p>
<p>Observing him from the doorway, his injured leg stuck out from under the blanket. Your confused brain realised that Eric, though, was the highest form of comfort you could ever have.</p>
<p>Slowly making your way over to the bed, you laid down on your back, with a hand on one of your knives. Eric instantly shifted and turned around, inhaling when he saw it had been you. He didn’t say a word. He only gazed at you.</p>
<p>He was watching you in silence, for so, so long. You shouldn’t be here and feel his body radiate heat off beside you. You shouldn’t be here and relax more with every minute you spent in his presence – Eric couldn’t be your comforting lifeline anymore. You really shouldn’t be here. </p>
<p>„Did you reveal what I am?“ You rolled on your side to face him.</p>
<p>„No. And I never will.“</p>
<p>„Why not?“</p>
<p>He inhaled again. The way you were laying there together reminded you of so many previous nights, whispering sweet nothings and admiring each other’s faces.</p>
<p>„I still love you.“ </p>
<p>Your grip finally dropped from the knife on your belt, your eyes shut close. His words struck a cord deep inside of you. It didn’t feel like the dagger in your chest anymore, it felt like a big fucking sword stabbing through, coming out on the other side and inflicting the clearest, yet most undefined, pain ever. The tears started to burn under your eyelids. Everything, that had happened today, finally broke through.</p>
<p>Back at the Bureau, freshly rescued from the London experiment, you didn’t think anything could be more painful than the memory wipe on thousands of people you had tried to save. But in this very moment, everything, every single emotion you had held back, every thought that you had forced to be silent, came flooding into your mind. </p>
<p>Eric’s thumb tried to brush away the tears that slipped from your closed eyes, but there were too many. </p>
<p>You were powerlessly exposed to everything that had happened since you stepped foot inside this fence. It almost felt like you never had a real chance at all to change something or make the right decisions. Not even falling in love with Eric had been your decision, it just happened because somehow it was meant to be. And sooner or later you had to break up with him, because that was just what had to happen – so you had done it.</p>
<p>„I love you too.“ And the only thing to do now, to keep yourself from breaking anymore, was to search comfort in the man you loved, for one last time.</p>
<p>Unbuckling your belt and throwing it down to the floor, you delicately rolled on top of him and pressed your lips down to his. He didn’t hesitate to pull at the hem of your shirt, and neither did you when you lowered his pants. There was a way to release your pain and you’d take it. You wanted to feel every inch of him so that every inch of you would stop hurting for a while. It was selfish and it was not fair, but nothing was fair and there was no one in here, besides Abnegations, who were not selfish. The time to feel guilty was limited, though. It was time to refresh the memory of how it felt to love him, so you could find comfort in it after Eric and you were done once and for all. </p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>Still smelling like him, you didn’t fight the urge to pick up his hoodie and pulled it over your head. Putting your gear back on and checking your weapons, it felt like any other work day. It was still the middle of the night, though. Luna sent her moonshine through the windows, enlightening the room enough for you to see Eric’s face clearly when you stole a glance over your shoulder. A few weeks back, when you walked out on him, you thought it was the end. Now you had to do it again, which was your own damn fault.</p>
<p>He looked so peaceful asleep. His tattoos didn’t look so hard on him, no stern look or clenched jaws. Eric was… perfect.</p>
<p>Hesitation stopped you from opening the door. His words tonight had done something for you. Grabbing some paper and a pen, you scribbled down some words for him.</p>
<p>
  <em>Next time we see each other, we’ll be most likely on different sides. <br/>But we don’t have to be.<br/>We don’t have to end.<br/>Love conquers all, Eric</em>
</p>
<p>You left the note on your old pillow, then left him and the Dauntless compound behind within minutes. The cold airstream made your lungs feel alive and your feet like they hadn’t been carrying your weight for the last day.</p>
<p>The next time you stopped would be when you found Tris. Four would probably search for shelter at a place far away from Dauntless and Erudite, within a crowd that wouldn’t hand them out easily. The only reasonable place they could be was the grounds of Amity. And there you headed now in the shadows of the night, sheltering you from patrols searching for the most wanted people inside the fence.</p>
<p>Only the moonlight guided your way. And after turning a corner, it highlighted two people, walking down the street in a fast pace, right into your direction. Ducking away and hiding in one of the destructed buildings, your heart beat fast as you heard their steps come closer. You removed both of your guns from the belt, ready to shoot if they did see you jumping into the building.</p>
<p>The dull sound of their shoes against the concrete became slower but also closer. Never had the cocking of your guns been louder than right now. The strangers stopped in their movements.</p>
<p>It was hard to hear anything over your heart drumming in your chest. There was no way you could stand up and be faster than them. You had to remain kneeling and hope they would pass by. But then two shadows appeared right from you. They entered the ruin. </p>
<p>When you were able to see them, both sides ready to shoot at each other, you immediately dropped your guns in shock. Your heart stopped beating.</p>
<p>The towering figures, dressed in full armour, stopped in their tracks, calling your name.</p>
<p>Selwyn and Valerie. Your siblings, who you hadn’t seen in over a year, stood in front of you. For a second you didn’t know if you were sleeping, having another dream that tried to delude you into thinking your siblings were here. But you knew you weren’t sleeping.</p>
<p>You rose to your feet and hurried into their arms. Tears of joy and relief settled in when their arms wrapped around your body and held you close for what felt like hours.</p>
<p>Valerie was the first to draw back and had a look at you. She caressed your face with her hands and examined all the small cuts and new scars that had been added the past year. Selwyn took over right after, checking if you were still in one piece and then placing a kiss on your forehead.</p>
<p>„What are you doing here?“</p>
<p>It felt like there hadn’t been a whole year in which you hadn’t seen them. Nothing had changed. Their movements, the small facial expression that were so similar, their perfect timing for starting to speak – it all didn’t change at all. </p>
<p>„We’re here to get you out. Your time inside this fence is over, Y/N.“</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Chapter 17</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>No.</p>
<p>Not again.</p>
<p>„I can’t. I’m not done yet.“ It was a little challenging to remove yourself from their embraces but you had too. Rage was building inside your chest again and you were so done with that.</p>
<p>„You can and you have to.“ The dread in Selwyn’s face made clear how unwilling he had been to take orders from the Bureau. He didn’t want to tell you what to do. But like anyone else he didn’t have a choice in this sickening game.</p>
<p>„I’m not finished here. I can still prevent it.“</p>
<p>„Y/N, we’re only executors. Come home with us.“ Selwyn didn’t mean it like that but his last sentence was a slap in your face.</p>
<p>„Home? Our home was erased over a year ago. I have a new home now and I can’t leave it behind like I did with London.“</p>
<p>Val reached out for your hands and tried her best to calm you down, wrapping you in her arms. She used to do this all the time. Whenever you hurt yourself, had nightmares, or were scared of fire and burglars, she had been there and comforted you within her arms. This was the first time her magical arms were unable to perform their magic. „I can’t leave Tris and the other Dauntless. And most of all I can’t leave… him.“ The pleading in your voice made you tear up again.</p>
<p>„Y/N, we can’t just leave you here.“</p>
<p>„Is there a memory wipe planned?“ You removed yourself from the arms of your sister.</p>
<p>Your brother was standing there, pained memories written all over his face. „Rumours are going around.“</p>
<p><em>No. No. No. No. No.</em> Selwyn still waited for you to come with them. You couldn’t. After grabbing your guns from the floor and putting them back on your belt, you took a pride stance.</p>
<p>„The Bureau left me in here, struggling to fulfill my mission and doing absolutely nothing to help me. Either you’ll let me go now or I’ll sneak out the first chance I get. They messed up in every possible way, as did I, but I’m not willing to give up yet.“ You couldn’t let London happen again. You couldn’t see a second time how your friends forgot who they were. Sure, Jeanine would forget as well who she was, but… Eric would too. He would just forget himself <em>and</em> you. It would erase the pain you had caused but love was always painful. A memory wipe shouldn’t be responsible for treating such a pain.</p>
<p>Selwyn shook his head, he feared you would make a bad decision. Valerie’s face softened up. Maybe she understood better why you couldn’t just leave everything behind. Not again. Not with another possible memory wipe coming up.</p>
<p>Your brother took a deep breath and exchanged a look with his twin. „The remaining Dauntless, which didn’t agree with what Erudite made them do, are at Candor. We’ll make something up for the Bureau.“ Almost throwing him off his feet by your sudden hug, you couldn’t be more grateful.</p>
<p>„Can you try to buy me as much time as you can?“</p>
<p>„Sure,“ Val smiled. „We missed you, Y/N.“ As if you hadn’t cried enough already you started welling up again. The two of them embraced you once more.</p>
<p>„How are mum and dad?“, you mumbled into Selwyn’s neck.</p>
<p>Your question made both of them chuckle. „Dad found a lizard one day and brought it back. Mum didn’t know what to think of it first until he told her it was a sign of the universe. A lizard’s tail can fall off to escape a dangerous situation but can grow back, maybe not the same way as before, but the lizard will be as strong as ever. It reminded him of you. Mum started crying but since that day they both have been doing better.“</p>
<p>Somehow it made you happy to hear this little story. Of course, it made the tears even more prominent, but hopefully after this time you would be done crying for a while.</p>
<p>A few more hugs later and the promise to get out of the city on your own if it got too dangerous you had to give Selwyn, you parted ways again.</p>
<p>Instead of wandering around to possibly find Tris at Amity, you changed the direction and focused on Candor. You were still a leader and therefore you had to think bigger. The remaining Dauntless had priority for now. </p>
<p>They didn’t hide. They were full on ready to face whatever was coming, hanging around Candor and regaining some strength and processing what had happened. Bud was the first one who saw you coming up to them. He stood with Tori.</p>
<p>Bud, who you had shared so many hours at the tattoo shop with, briefly but strongly hugged you. „Finally! We didn’t know if you were okay or…“ His voice died in the middle of the sentence. When you saw his and Toris face, you knew why.</p>
<p>„Or if I was one of them.“ You didn’t take their contemplation personally. It was a reasonable question. After all you were a leader. But that was exactly what you could use as your advantage know. „I’m okay. And I’m not okay with what happened.“</p>
<p>Tori tensed up. She took a few steps away from everyone and dragged you with her. „Did you know about it?“ Her skeptic question was still somehow a little caring.</p>
<p>„I did.“ Automatically your head hung low. „When I found out it was too late. I was always too late.“</p>
<p>She didn’t judge. „What are you going to do now? Max and the other are no leaders to us anymore.“</p>
<p>Good question. <em>What am I going to do now?</em> The note flashed before your eyes. Eric didn’t give away your secret. If he was truly lost, you had to do what you couldn’t back in London. Someday maybe Selwyn would forgive you for not sticking up to your promise.</p>
<p>„I have to try make things right. No matter what cost.“</p>
<p>„Are you coming back to us?“</p>
<p>You didn’t give Tori an answer, only a crooked smile. She knew that you didn’t know.</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>The office you shared with Max and Eric wasn’t abandoned. Actually, you met both of them in there, heads over a tablet and discussing a plan. Max was holding some sort of technical device you hadn’t seen before, mumbling the words ‚the threat is real‘.</p>
<p>When they noticed your arrival, Max pulled a disgruntled face. „Found yourself wanting to work a little, hm?“</p>
<p>„Better late than never.“</p>
<p>„You can’t just come and go when you feel like it. I shouldn’t even be telling you this, Prior.“</p>
<p>Taking the step beyond the threshold and joining them at the table, Eric watched you closely. He didn’t let a single expression slip that could’ve told you what was going on in his brain.</p>
<p>In order to push forward with your plan you had come up with on your way from Candor to Dauntless, you had to take a high risk „Who said I didn’t do my work in the first place? I know where the renegades are.“</p>
<p>Max’s lips curled up, totally buying your faked joy over reporting that information.</p>
<p>Since they already had Amity as one of the search targets on their list, you verified their assumption. You weren’t entirely sure, but you didn’t say so. The mission was scheduled for tomorrow, so Max could reorganise the troops. It would give you enough time to sneak out to Amity, find Tris and Four, warn them and send them to Candor. When you would arrive with the corrupt Dauntless soldiers at Amity, you would find information that the renegades had been there but left. You would be out of any suspicion and could uphold your role on gathering more information regarding the remaining, true Dauntless and other Divergents. </p>
<p>Max was satisfied with his plans and left to give a report to Jeanine.</p>
<p>„I have to talk to you, Eric.“</p>
<p>„Not here.“ He nodded for you to follow him, so you did. Leading you through tunnels, back to your old apartment, you two climbed out of the window onto the roof, that gave a pretty great view to the surroundings of Dauntless.</p>
<p>The moment you wanted to start your monologue, you had prepared, he interrupted you. „I finally understand what you always tried to say, Y/N.“</p>
<p>„You… WHAT?“</p>
<p>Eric stood in front of you, his eyes more demanding for yours than ever. „If I don’t care that you are a Divergent, when it doesn’t make any difference at all, I shouldn’t care when it comes to others.“ He did speak, but the words that came out were words you never thought he would actually offer one day. „Today, Jeanine introduced us to a new scanner. We’re supposed to find every single Divergent in the city, bring them to her, so she can do whatever she plans on doing with them. I’m sure it’s nothing good and I never came to Dauntless to be a part of this violent torment she’s forcing on our people.“ Again, he inhaled like he did multiple times last night. „Your note… you wrote we would be on different sides, but the only side I want to be on is <em>ours,</em> Y/N.“</p>
<p>With your hands on your knees, you tried to find some support. Overwhelmed by what you still couldn’t comprehend, you eventually had to sit down.</p>
<p>Was everything suddenly falling into place? After trying for months to get through to him,  did he finally, truly understand? It seemed even further from reality than meeting your siblings earlier.</p>
<p>Eric sat down right in front of you. He could be extremely soft when he wanted to. Right now he was the epitome of softness. Placing a hand on your knee, his thumb brushed your skin until you looked up again. Just like you had read his face in the past, he had often studied your face in return. And somehow you got the feeling he did it right now again, which was incredibly relieving because you couldn’t ask the question of if he was honest with you. The question felt like a betrayal, even if it was only justified after all those months you couldn’t break through to him.</p>
<p>„Not once did I lie to you. We rarely agreed, and I made a lot of mistakes, but I’ve never been insincere.“ The last day had been a wild ride for Eric. Since he got shot by your sister, everything had turned upside down. When you confronted him in the infirmary, something inside his head started to shift. All the countless times before, he had tried to hold onto what he had been told because, unfortunately, that had been the easiest way. When you broke up with him was the first time he truly questioned it. But since you were inevitably gone, taking anything but the easy way seemed to make no sense. Your pain though, when you told him your mother had been killed, it did something to him. You were the only person that meant something to him dearly. You were his soulmate – the bond between you and him had been so strong, it was able to make him rethink everything, even if that meant he couldn’t take the easy way anymore. You were done with the injustice and that finally set free the process of peeling away the words of Jeanine he had gotten used to over such a long time. </p>
<p>Eric carefully lowered his face to yours. „Do you trust me?“</p>
<p>„I do,“ you replied. Instead of kissing him, which you craved so badly, you closed the distance and flung your arms around his neck. <em>I am not dreaming. This is real. We are not ending.</em></p>
<p>„Holy shit, I missed you so much,“ he whispered into your neck. „I’m sorry for all of the times you didn’t get through to me.“</p>
<p>Shaking your head, you loosened your arms around him. „I eventually did. It’s all that counts right now.“</p>
<p>For a while, you took your time, ignoring everything that happened, and rested your back against his chest. His arms held you closely, his chin on your shoulder. It was a surreal setting. While Chicago was upside down, you disconnected from it for a bit to connect with each other again. You never would have thought things could change so quick.</p>
<p>„Eric?“ Selwyn and Valerie had been here to take you with them. The Bureau had failed over and over in your eyes. There was nothing left that could stop you from telling Eric who you really were. „Did you hear about Jeanine finding the box she was so determined to find?“</p>
<p>„Yes.“</p>
<p>„Do you know what’s in it?“</p>
<p>„No. Why? Do you?“</p>
<p>You buried yourself deeper into his chest, finding the comfort you had been so desperately searching for. „I do.“</p>
<p>His hands took yours and somehow wrapped them between his arms that were around your body. He stayed silent, waiting patiently for you to go on. You had missed him so much.</p>
<p>„Do you remember, way back in the day, you said I would fight like a warrior?“ You could feel his head nodding against your neck. „I have witnessed everything that’s happening right now before. But in another fence.“ Within the next few hours you told your story. Telling him you were born in London, on the other side of the earth, and why you weren’t there anymore. You filled him in on the events of your last year there, what happened, why and how. The fact, that there was something outside of Chicago initially caught him off guard but he listened, eventually asking for a clearer definition so he got everything right. You told him about the structure of GDs and GPs, the purpose of the faction system. Finally, you mentioned your mission, why you were here and that you had failed miserably.</p>
<p>With every passing minute, Eric put the puzzle together. Every weird thing he had noticed since he met you made sense now, finally.</p>
<p>He got on his feet after you also told him why you had given away Tris’ whereabouts and what your plan was. Reaching for your hands to pull you up, he couldn’t suppress a faint smile. „Let’s try and safe this experiment city then.“</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Chapter 18</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nervousness was building up when it dawned you that you couldn’t leave to warn Tris about the upcoming mission to search Amity. Max was ruining every attempt. With Eric returning your stare, every time you turned around to him, you didn’t go crazy. His reassurance was the support you had needed. You felt strong. You would find a way.</p>
<p>They granted you a few more hours to rest before the mission was supposed to start. In your old apartment, the two of you worked hard on adjusting your initial plan to the new situation. Every scenario you envisioned came to one conclusion: You had to rely on luck to find them before someone else did. And this uncertainty got your nerves shaking again once you climbed in the vehicle to leave for Amity.</p>
<p>From now on Eric and you were sticking with each other. As soon as the trucks rudely, and totally unnecessarily, destroyed the fences on Amity grounds and reached their buildings, you didn’t separate anymore.</p>
<p>Not even there for two seconds, Max already talked shit to Johanna, Amity’s representative. But she didn’t let him. Instead of backing him up, Eric nodded to the other side of the stables and you followed him. Excuses could be found later as to why you didn’t hold Max’s hand when he tried to bullshit Johanna. Now was the time to find Tris and de-escalate the situation for her.</p>
<p>Entering the stables from the backside, you were a little distracted for a second. Until now you had only seen horses from afar. Never before had you stood so close to one. They were beautiful. You wanted to reach out your hand and touch their nose but were interrupted by Eric clearing his throat to get your attention. He almost had a tiny smile on his lips.</p>
<p>„Hey, they’re up here“, someone shouted out of nowhere. The voice came from upstairs. Eric was quick to start running up to the second floor, you followed on his heels.</p>
<p>You remembered the boy, who had called for you. Peter. He was the one Eric made Tris fight with during her initiation.</p>
<p>Tris, Four and, to your surprise, Caleb tried to climb out of the window but as soon as she saw you, her movements stopped. „Wait“, she ordered Four.</p>
<p>You stepped forward, shoving Eric behind your back. A confused Peter was whipping his head between you and the others who had tried to flee but stoped right in their tracks. Tris rushed to you, hugging you tightly. There was no difference to the hug you had shared with Valerie – they were both your sisters.</p>
<p>„What is happening here? You should take them prisoners and–“ Before Peter could say anything else, you knocked him out with the butt of your weapon.</p>
<p>„What the heck“, Four was leaving the window and dragged Tris away from you. He was alarmed by Eric’s presence and ignored the friendship he had with you.</p>
<p>„We don’t need a witness, Four.“ </p>
<p>„A witness for what?“</p>
<p>Instead of answering him, you returned to Tris’ eyes. „When I <em>and</em> Eric become traitors to Dauntless and Jeanine’s machinations.“ Her eyes widened. „Remember back then when you found out I wasn’t from here?“ You ignored Caleb in the back and only focused on her. „We Divergents were always supposed to evolve. We need to take down Jeanine and her beliefs in order for this city to have a future. You in?“</p>
<p>Luckily, Eric stayed behind your back. You didn’t like Four being so on edge but at least they heard you out. Explaining that your best chance was to somehow get that box from Jeanine that she was probably protecting at any costs, and showing what it held to every citizen of Chicago, their puzzled looks slowly started to sooth out. They agreed on your plan when you told them that the remaining Dauntless found shelter at Candor.</p>
<p>„What’s gonna happen to you?“ Tris tried to keep her eyes on you. You couldn’t expect her to trust Eric, given what he had done, and you didn’t have enough time to explain, but she trusted you so she accepted him and your decisions.</p>
<p>„We’re staying with Jeanine and the other Dauntless. This is our best chance to gather more information.“</p>
<p>„I don’t trust him,“ Four nodded to Eric. They never had been friends. Most of the times they acknowledged each other’s existence but the dislike was mutual. „He broke some of the highest Dauntless rules there are, along with Max and the others. You know what he deserves, Y/N.“</p>
<p>His statement built a lump in your throat, which you had to swallow in order to not freak out because you knew exactly what Four has playing at. „He will face his consequences when the time is right. First, we have to eliminate the bigger threat. You trust me, right? I’m vouching for Eric. That has to be enough for you.“</p>
<p>Four’s contempt for Eric was clearly visible, but given his heart was full Dauntless, he pushed it away for now.</p>
<p>„We should get going now.“ Tris took the lead after hugging you again.</p>
<p>In favor of keeping your roles, you agreed on them jumping out of the window and running through the woods to the train tracks. Eric would inform the other soldiers in about thirty seconds, that should be enough of a head start. </p>
<p>When Four, jumping as the last one, disappeared out of your vision, Eric started the time on his watch. During the whole conversation he had stayed quiet to prevent any possible fights with Four, but now stepped beside you.</p>
<p>„You think this will work out?“</p>
<p>„I don’t think we have another choice.“</p>
<p>He nodded. „Ten seconds left.“ In the heat of the moment, he placed a brief kiss on your lips. „Get ready.“ Then he reached for his watch to talk to the other soldiers. „They are escaping to the train tracks.“</p>
<p>With his words you rushed down the circular stairs, out of the stables and jumped onto one of the trucks that just started following them. They were running up a hill and started to disappear between the trees. When you reached the woods, Eric and you jumped off the truck simultaneously, followed by fellow soldiers.</p>
<p>It was an endless few minutes, sprinting between tress, jumping over roots and occasionally getting hit by some branches. The train could be heard in the distance.</p>
<p>When the three reached the clearing, your chest was aching. Not from the running but from the shots the other soldiers were firing at them. Eric and you aimed your guns as well, though your body refused to shoot. You finally did, but high above their heads, near where they were running. With a glance to your left you noticed Eric playing the same charade.</p>
<p>The train was pulling up, Four returned the fire until Caleb and Tris crossed the tracks. Tris took his turn so he could join them on the other side.</p>
<p>Blood was pumping loud in your ears but not loud enough to cover the shots.</p>
<p>Eric and you continued to follow the train when the soldiers behind you slowed down, realising the lost cause. To make it a little more dramatic, Eric threw his gun to the ground and leaned on his knees, letting out some disgruntled sounds.</p>
<p>When you were sure, that the soldiers started their way back to the trucks, Eric and you looked at each other and neither of you could hold back a winning grin.</p>
<p>Reaching down for his gun and grabbing it, you placed a hand on his hip. The body contact, after not having it for weeks, felt foreign in the first second, but then immediately contentment washed over you, as if there hadn’t been a break at all. „The whole dropping-the-gun-thing was kinda good. Why did I not come up with that?“</p>
<p>„Because I am the drama queen out of the two of us.“</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Chapter 19</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Soldiers were shoving the Amity people into the trucks. They must’ve passed the screening test and were found to be Divergents. Most of them, if not all, hadn’t known they were Divergent until today. Their scared faces rattled your bones.</p>
<p>It was a mess you found after getting back from the train tracks. As a leader, you had a duty to carry them to the Erudite headquarters. The ride over there seemed to be taking forever. Sitting next to Eric, his hand intertwined with yours at some point. The others couldn’t see it, but it meant a lot. With all those scared Amity’s, now Erudite’s prisoners, it was hard to stay focused. You just wanted to take them back to their home so they could stop fearing for their life. The sad realisation that it wouldn’t make a difference and they would just capture them again was utterly frustrating.</p>
<p>When the truck came to a halt at Erudite, you got out and observed how the Amity people were escorted inside.</p>
<p>„I can’t let Jeanine have them. We need to find the box.“ The box was your only chance.</p>
<p>Eric agreed. „I think I have an idea of where it could be.“ Him being born and raised in Erudite totally paid off now. You made your way into the building and since the patches on your uniforms showed off your high Dauntless ranks, no one cared you were walking around the building. From his last year at Erudite, he remembered how the construction crew had been putting in new training areas. It matched with the bits and pieces he caught from Max’ conversations with Jeanine.</p>
<p>Some heavily guarded doors implied you had potentially reached your target. And the guards willingly granted you access, seeing your patches. They weren’t Dauntless soldiers so they must’ve received instructions to let the Dauntless leaders in. <em>That’s a great way to secure a room. Not.</em></p>
<p>Passing the doors, you knew why they easily let you in, though. Jeanine was there. She was highly invested in her analyzations of whatever technical monster machine was in front of her, taking up the entire room. Her voice, commanding her Erudite ants, gave you goosebumps. Not in the good way.</p>
<p>They made preparations for the ‚first try‘. So, the box couldn’t be far away; you just couldn’t spot it with how dark the room was. Eric and you went mostly unnoticed, which caused you to exchange confused looks with a shrug. You nodded behind you, signaling to take a closer look behind the machine thing.</p>
<p>„Oh Coulter, are my test objects here?“ Hearing Jeanine’s voice call out for Eric made you stop and look around. You were too far in the dark corner for her to notice you. Good. Eric put on his old leader attitude, gave her his report and then engaged in a conversation with her to buy you some time.</p>
<p>To be fair, you never had a thing for all the technology Erudite developed. But since you had been growing up in Erudite, just like Eric, though in London, your knowledge about technology was pretty decent. The directions both cities evolved in had been different, but the basic rules applied to both. The back of this monstrous device was a labyrinth of cables, interfaces and chips.</p>
<p>While you still decided on what to do, you heard Jeanine order her workers to follow her to the command room. You saw Eric walk out with them as well and that actually meant two good things: A) maybe he would find out where the box was and B) no one was working in this room right now which made it easier to damage some shit.</p>
<p>Suddenly, you had to smile because you remembered your cultural history class. The teacher was very passionate about all sorts of media from previous centuries, especially the beginning of cinematography and the evolution of film in the first one hundred years. Unfortunately, you were never able to watch any of those movies due to the global, technical collapse in the twenty-first century, but he was always talking about this one saga. Movies about space and how in the very first one of them one single pilot destroyed a man made star. Right now you felt exactly like this dude. </p>
<p>Taking out a knife, you started cutting through important cables. Sure, they had backups for most of them, but others were harder to reattach and those were the ones you were looking for. You opened lids and clipped wires on the inside, damaged the interfaces that were permanently installed, and most importantly, stole all the chips that seemed important for running the system. You shoved as much as you could into the pockets of your clothing. Never have you more felt like a rebel.</p>
<p>Some loud commotion outside in the hallway made you stop. This had to be enough for now.</p>
<p>„No, you don’t get it, Jeanine sent me back to get the shit she needs. Just let me in.“ The moment the doors slid open, you saw Eric arguing with those Erudite guards. He was doing such a good job with keeping them occupied, allowing their backs to be turned to you. You snuck out into the hallway as fast as you could and brought some distance between them and you. Then, you turned around and came to his rescue.</p>
<p>„There you are!“ The guards immediately swiveled around to you. „You don’t have to get it anymore, we solved the problem.“</p>
<p>„Okay. No thanks to these guys though.“ Directing his last words to the two Erudite, Eric walked over to you and both of you instantly made your way around the next corner and outside the building. </p>
<p>The sun was already starting to set when you left Erudite and decided to walk back to the Dauntless compound. Each of you observed your surroundings for a while to make sure no one followed or was in earshot. It was eerily quiet.</p>
<p>„Do you know where the box is?“</p>
<p>Eric shook his head. „She keeps that information to herself. What did you do?“</p>
<p>Your pace got slower, almost a little lighthearted. A grin grew on your lips. „I improvised.“ Reaching into one of your pockets, you grabbed some of the chips and held them out to him. „Cables, interfaces, chips – nothing was safe.“</p>
<p>That look on his face appeared. Mischief, pride and desire. He bit his lip.</p>
<p>„It will only buy us a fracture of the time we need, though.“</p>
<p>„A day or two, I think,“ Eric agreed. „But that’s something we can work with.“</p>
<p>The walk cleared your heads. You came up with some ideas to offer an explanation to Max and settled with one you both felt was best. Max, however, was nowhere to be found. The office was empty. Usually, after a normal work day, you discharged your weapons at the office but you felt better keeping them at your sides.</p>
<p>„Y/N?“ You just left the office and headed down the tunnel.</p>
<p>„Yeah?“</p>
<p>„Where are you staying the night?“</p>
<p>You still had that small apartment from your breakup, but it felt like it had been years since the last time you were there. You weren’t sure what you and Eric were right now. What you knew: you were way too exhausted to put a label on it and you didn’t even want one. A lot was still between you, and that would also take some time to process and work through, but for now you were happy to just be at his side. „I don’t understand the question, Eric.“</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>Eric was fast to find an empty box after arriving at your old apartment. The amount of technical parts you had ripped out and shoved in your pockets was hilarious. It didn’t even fit into the first box so you had to get another one.</p>
<p>First, Eric put the boxes in one of the two cupboards that reassembled some sort of kitchen. After staring at them for two minutes, feeling they were not hidden enough, you got up and took them out again. Eric was watching you run around the room, trying to find another stash for them and totally failing at it.</p>
<p>You stood in front of him, one box in each hand, and both of you couldn’t suppress another grin. „I guess the cupboards were alright.“ Delicately putting the boxes back, you heard Eric starting to laugh quietly.</p>
<p>„I know it’s such a weird time but I missed having all those funny little moments with you.“</p>
<p>Somehow you turned shy by his words. Maybe because this was really not the right time to get funky. Maybe because of all the unsaid things lingering between the two of you, but you ignored it for now because it felt too good to be by his side again. Maybe because this was the first night in ages you could take a deep breath without worrying what would happen in the next four hours. But then again you started worrying immediately.</p>
<p>„I’m not really sure what to do, Eric.“</p>
<p>„Well, for now you did a great act of sabotage. We can think about the next step tomorrow.“ </p>
<p>Shaking your head you tried again. „I meant, I don’t know what to do in this exact moment. With you. I’m… insecure.“</p>
<p>Eric lifted himself up from the mattress and walked the few steps over to you. This situation was strange. You hadn’t been prepared for Eric to actually make up his mind and totally change the game. You didn’t know how to react now that you two were alone. It had been too long.</p>
<p>„It’s been a very long day. We should change and get some sleep.“</p>
<p>„Does sleep have a double meaning?“</p>
<p>You could almost hear an answer like ‚Only if you want it too‘ in the back of your head, which would’ve been his answer a few months ago, but he didn’t say it. He knew when to be sensitive and hold back his sassy remarks. Eric just shook his head and tenderly pushed you to the bathroom.</p>
<p>Brushing teeth next to each other made it feel like any other night. Of course it wasn’t, nothing was like it had been, but brushing teeth, undressing and stealing one of his t-shirts to sleep in – it all felt so familiar, so good. You crawled into bed after him and untangled his arms so you could wrap yourself in them. Pressed to his chest, he mumbled something you first didn’t understand. Then he repeated it. „Love conquers all.“ </p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>Breakfast in the cafeteria was very uncomfortable. All your friends were gone. Only the people that didn’t break free from Jeanine’s ideologies were still there.</p>
<p>Staring down to your plate, you heard Eric sipping his coffee with a lot of noise. Glancing up to him without turning your head, you saw him observing certain people with a concentrated look. You didn’t knew what was going on in his head right now, but you understood his look. Another flash, hot and vibrant, rushed through you. Whenever the realisation, of you being on the same side now, hit you once more, it expanded that euphoric feeling into every cell of your body.</p>
<p>Eric diverted his attention to you, catching your eyes staring at him. One of his hands, that had been on his cup, fell under the table onto your leg and squeezed it lightly. „You not eating anything?“</p>
<p>The plate in front of you was still untouched as was his. Shaking your head, you placed your hand on top of his and intertwined your fingers with Eric’s.</p>
<p>When the majority of people had finished their breakfast and started to leave for their work, you got up as well. Still portraying the leaders of Dauntless you couldn’t just spend all day sitting in the cafeteria. Even more so because it wouldn’t take Erudite too much time to repair the damage you had caused.</p>
<p>Max was sitting behind his desk when you reached the office together. For a second, he stared at the two of you standing close to each other before parting and sitting down at your own desks.</p>
<p>„Are you two back together again?“</p>
<p>Looking up a little wide-eyed and staring at Eric who returned your look, he turned to Max. „None of your business, Max.“</p>
<p>„Well, I don’t care anyways.“ His amount of interest in the lives of the people around him was incredibly low. No wonder he sucked at leading this faction. „What I do care about is the renegades you weren’t able to capture. After getting out from Amity yesterday, they must’ve managed to enter Erudite and damaged the operation system for the testings.“</p>
<p><em>Fuck.</em> He thought it was Tris and her companions. <em>No.</em></p>
<p>„They’re most likely with the disloyal Dauntless which are over in Candor now. I’ve talked to Jeanine already.“ Of course he had. „I scheduled an operation for tonight. Erudite will deliver a sleep serum in which it will knock out everyone who’s not Divergent and reveal the objects we can collect for the testings.“ His sober explanation of hunting down Divergents was giving you goosebumps.</p>
<p>„Good plan,“ Eric approved. „What is our part in the preparations?“</p>
<p>„I want both of you to supervise the arrival of the serum. It already comes in ammunition form, so instruct the soldiers on how to use it.“ Max got up to leave, probably to meet his best friend Jeanine. „And tell them there’s no such thing as mercy.“</p>
<p>Startled by his last statement, your stare remained at the door that fell shut behind him when he had left the office. „We definitely won’t repeat that in front of the soldiers,“ you managed to finally say.</p>
<p>„Not at all,“ Eric concurred and rose to his feet.</p>
<p>„I’ll try to find a way to sneak out at some point and warn them.“</p>
<p>„I wanted to suggest that as well.“</p>
<p>„Good.“ Good was only your intention, but it took almost the whole day until you had a chance to leave Dauntless. You were only able to with Eric’s help, who took it all upon himself to explain the strategy to enter Candor.</p>
<p>Late in the afternoon, a few people were passing the streets of Chicago on your way to Candor. You had to slink through some back alleys and occasionally took some detours through ruins in case someone recognised you.</p>
<p>A figure, dressed in black, was walking down the street you had just turned on. Already wanting to take another route, fearing it was a Dauntless patrol, you studied the person for another split second. His features seemed familiar. </p>
<p>It was Four.</p>
<p>He hurried over once he spotted you. Distress had completely changed the outlines of his face. </p>
<p>„Are you okay, Four?“</p>
<p>Slowly nodding, he admitted that he couldn’t stay at Candor any longer and needed some air to breathe and think.</p>
<p>You were sorry to steal his headspace and load it with even more negativity. „They’re going to come for Candor tonight. Be prepared.“</p>
<p>„Okay. We will be.“</p>
<p>Before he continued on his stroll, you had to get something off of your chest as you were constantly thinking about since he had tried to drag Tris away from you at the stables. „Four? Whatever Eric and I are going to seem to do, remember we are on your side.“</p>
<p>He didn’t answer, just left.</p>
<p>The unsettling feeling, regarding what Four would do once he had the chance and time to, didn’t decrease with him not giving a reply. Hopefully he wouldn’t get a chance any time soon to be alone with Eric.</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>Everyone was waiting for the troops to be positioned. Yours and Eric’s had been the first ones to be in place for the mission. Waiting outside in the darkness to storm through the main entrance, the headset in your ear was scratching your skin. You had always hated those things. Slowly, the troops confirmed they were stationed where Max wanted them to be. When the last troop was ready, it was Eric’s duty to commence the countdown. 3. 2. 1.</p>
<p>Observing the soldiers from down below, sliding onto the Candor roof, you hoped Four had done everything possible to prepare or save as many as he could. When you heard the first shots firing, you stared at your feet. You would be the last ones to go in. The nerve-racking wait until everyone was asleep with those little darts seemed to take forever. A ‚Clear‘ in your headsets meant the troops, which had landed on the roof, successfully made their way to the ground floor.</p>
<p>You took a last glimpse at Eric, then advised your troop to storm the front entrance.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Chapter 20</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>In your one year of being a Dauntless leader, you have had to guide troops through hectic situations a couple of times before. Nothing could be compared to this right now, though. You thought you had left this prominent feeling of danger behind in London. But it was sitting in the back of your neck as you run up the stairs and followed Eric’s troop through the doors and into the entrance hall.</p>
<p>Numb bodies plastered the floor. You knew they were sleeping but they had so much in common with all the people laying around in London. All but the dirt and wounds and blood.</p>
<p>All troops that had followed you in on the ground level were heading into different directions, Eric’s and yours stayed together searching the ground floor. Max had been the last one to enter the building and unfortunately you ran into him.</p>
<p>„I saw someone sneaking around“, he nodded his head with another unsympathetic grin. Leading the way to some sort of fenced area, your heart sank to your feet when you found who he had seen sneaking around. Tris. And a boy from her initiation cycle.</p>
<p>Just as he had said previously, without any mercy, he ordered some soldiers to zip tie and drag them to a room, where other troops collected people that didn’t fall asleep from the shots already. Your thoughts were running wild with what to do, but you felt helplessly exposed to the situation, just like you had felt almost the whole past year.</p>
<p>Tris’ eyes were focused on yours. She seemed way calmer than you. Until Max held out the scanner to a little girl and was disappointed with the result of forty percent Divergent. „Too bad“, he said and cocked his gun.</p>
<p>Faster than you could’ve stopped her, Tris threw herself at him and knocked him to the ground. Max instantly gained the upper hand due to her hands being tied together.</p>
<p>You hurried over, Eric by your side, and pulled him off of her.</p>
<p>„Stop that. We still have to test her. She’s of no use being dead.“ Eric tried to de-escalate the situation.</p>
<p>Obviously offended by you and Eric showing him his boundaries, he ran the scanner on Tris still laying on the floor. One hundred percent Divergent. Of course she was.</p>
<p>„We’ve been looking for you.“</p>
<p>With a small glimpse into Eric’s direction you could see him swallowing a lump in his throat. He was probably thinking the same as you did. <em>How are we getting her out of this?</em></p>
<p>„Get her in a vehicle,“ Max directed to Eric and you, „I’ll let Jeanine know.“ He left immediately. He must be so proud of himself to be able to tell her he found the perfect testing object.</p>
<p>Helping Tris up, she held your hands for a bit too long. None of the soldiers around you noticed. You wanted to tell her that you wouldn’t let Jeanine have her. If you’d free her now, though, the remaining Dauntless, loyal to Jeanine, would knock you out and realise they found another one hundred percent Divergent. That wouldn’t be any help at all. So, you had to order your troop to form. Grabbing Tris by her arm, Eric backing you up, you started to leave the room.</p>
<p>Reaching the entrance hall and making your way to the front doors, Four and his allies suddenly appeared from everywhere. A wave of relief hit. Inferior in numbers, they forced you and your troop to kneel down. Some loud punches behind your back were placed. A body flew to the ground.</p>
<p>With the hands on your head in surrender, you saw Four coming around to Tris and cutting off the ties around her hands. He turned to you while you were still kneeling down in surrender. You didn’t know what or how much he had told his allies. You didn’t want to get shot if you took your hands down or lose your fake identity in the eyes of the wrong Dauntless soldiers because of it.</p>
<p>In the same moment when Four reached out for you, you heard someone stand up behind you. It must have been Eric who had been punched. „It’s lucky you got that gun, Four.“ <em>What the heck are you doing.</em> For a second you were scared to death that Eric only tricked you into thinking he had understood what was really going on. You weren’t sure anymore if you were on the same side. „We both know you never were much without one.“ Then it clicked. Four didn’t trust Eric. And Eric didn’t trust Four. As soon as Four came close to you and Eric couldn’t control what he would do with you, he averted Four’s attention to himself. To keep you safe.</p>
<p>Handing his gun to one of his allies, he took a few steps closer to Eric. With everyone concentrating on the two of them, you were able to turn in their direction. For a second Eric’s eyes found yours. An apologetic expression on his face soon turned into hard determination. Then he threw the first punch but immediately got overwhelmed by Four and thrown to the floor again. This time he didn’t stand up. Four grabbed his leg and dragged him back into the room you came out of minutes ago.</p>
<p>Before someone could hold you back, you hurried after them, along with Four’s allies, the true Dauntless.</p>
<p>Four towered over Eric.</p>
<p>Every fear for yourself, getting shot or losing identity, didn’t mean a thing anymore. You jumped right between them. „Hear me out, Four.“</p>
<p>„Y/N!“ Eric was probably going mad crazy in his head right now. His efforts of keeping you safe didn’t work when you decided to do the same for him.</p>
<p>Voices got loud. They wanted justice. An immediate punishment for what they had to suffer in the last days. You got that. And you knew you couldn’t redeem Eric. He had willingly done what he believed was the right thing to do. The fact that he changed his mind didn’t change the actions he had taken before. The people who had to execute Jeanine’s run on Abnegation demanded for some sort of retaliation.</p>
<p>„Remember what side we are on.“ Earlier in the evening you hadn’t gotten a response out of him when you told him to remember. Now, the intense stress this situation caused, made him take a step back. He eyed Tris, tried to find out what to do. Their connection ran deep, just like Eric’s and yours. They didn’t really need any words to understand each other.</p>
<p>Four ordered the remaining people in the room to leave, to take the rest of your troop prisoners and to guard the building. With the doors closed, only Four, Tris, Eric and you left, but the tension didn’t decrease. Still standing in front of Eric, shielding him, Four turned back to you again.</p>
<p>„They need a decision, Y/N. You know that.“</p>
<p>„I know. But if that was you and Eric stood there with a gun, I would do anything to prevent him from pulling the trigger. The killing has to end, Four.“</p>
<p>Then Tris did the most Dauntless thing you ever saw someone doing. She took the spot right next to you, guarding a man she probably strongly despised. For a minute she wrapped her arms around your body. „I thank you for being the best sister I could’ve wished for“, she whispered before she let go and faced Four.</p>
<p>„Y/N is feeling for Eric what I feel for you. Yes, he’s responsible for his actions but not at all costs. I can’t let you take her soulmate.“ With that, the tension in his face finally subsided. He nodded. And suddenly fired his gun in Eric’s direction.</p>
<p>Your jaw dropped. Your body started to cramp due to your not-beating heart and your not-filling-with-air lungs. In shock, you turned around, awaiting to see Eric’s numb body on the floor, covered with his own blood. But he didn’t. He had turned around as well and stared at the projectile Four had fired at the wall behind him.</p>
<p>„The shot will make them think Eric got what they wanted him too. You better go now. Don’t show your faces anymore.“</p>
<p>Recovering from the shock, trying to take some oxygen in, Tris wrapped her arms around you once again. „Leave. We’re getting that box. We’re getting Jeanine. We’re saving Chicago.“ She filled your still-shaken heart with pride. All you ever wanted was to somehow prevent this experiment city from failing. But back when you were sent into this fence, the Bureau didn’t know that maybe someone else was supposed to do that. Your faith was strong in her to do so. „Go.“</p>
<p>Glass shattered to your right. Eric had smashed a window.</p>
<p>Four didn’t say any more words. Reaching Eric at the window, you turned around a last time to look at her. Seeing the four birds on her shoulder made you smile at Tris, but not without some sadness on your lips. She returned your smile. Climbing out and jumping down to the grass after Eric, you knew there was only one thing left to do. Leave this experiment city.</p>
<p>
  <strong>/////</strong>
</p>
<p>You were running. And running. Running until your knees felt like jello and your lungs were stinging for more oxygen than you let them have. You kept running. Until the fence was in view. Until you passed it. Until you saw two figures coming up to you from afar. Until Selwyn told you to stop running.</p>
<p>All the way to the fence and after you passed it, no word had been spoken between Eric and you. The focus on getting out ended when Selwyn and Valerie suddenly appeared. Their words, letting you know they had been sent to get you, was the first thing you heard after the sun had risen. It was already standing high, telling you it was nearly noon.</p>
<p>„Are you injured?“ Valerie first looked at you, then at Eric. Both of you shook your heads.</p>
<p>Your bodies only started to relax a little when you boarded the small plane that would bring you to the Bureau. When you had told Eric you were from outside of the fence and mentioned the Bureau, you only gave him the short story. Therefore, everything he saw since you left the fence, was highly jaw-dropping to him.</p>
<p>„Does David want to see us immediately?“ Speaking over the landing noise, you tried to ask your brother as discretely as possible. You were unsure of what they would do with you and Eric.</p>
<p>„No. Get some rest first.“ That, you needed.</p>
<p>Sel and Val ‚guarded‘ you on your way through the Bureau. Everyone was staring like the last time were here. This time, Eric was with you, so the stares increased, if that was even possible. He was totally flabbergasted by the time you reached the quarters.</p>
<p>Relieved that your siblings quarters weren’t far away, they left you alone.</p>
<p>Politely as ever, the Bureau had arranged some food and beverages on a small table. Yesterday morning were in the cafeteria but hadn’t touched your breakfast. Since then, you hadn’t seen any food. And before that you hadn’t eaten anything in a while either. Grabbing some bites of an apple, it was almost painful, but it settled your stomach a little. Eric finished a sandwich in three bites.</p>
<p>It’s been a long time since you didn’t feel the weight of a mission on your shoulders. And even though the Bureau wasn’t a place you felt at home or super comfy, the four walls you were in with Eric now, made you incredibly tired and wanting to sleep for five years. Although the shower was unbelievably tiny, you squeezed in together and scrubbed each others backs before falling into the bed and instantly falling asleep. </p>
<p>The first time you woke up because you needed water. Eric was still totally knocked out.</p>
<p>The second time you woke up because Eric needed some water. You instantly fell back asleep once he laid down again and dragged you onto his chest.</p>
<p>The third time you woke up, you finally felt recovered enough to open your eyes for longer than a minute. You stared at the ceiling. It was hard to comprehend you actually left Chicago. And Eric was with you. You didn’t think it would ever be possible to lay next to him again. Or even more so lay next to him outside of Chicago’s fence.</p>
<p>„What’s in your head?“</p>
<p>Letting your head fall to the left to see his face, you didn’t quite know how to answer. The mess was real. There was no way you could find words so you just kissed him.</p>
<p>You didn’t know what time it was and it didn’t matter. For a while, you both laid there in silence, and holding hands under the blanket.</p>
<p>„Do you miss your home?“ He wasn’t talking about Chicago. He was talking about London. But what he didn’t know was that your definition of home had shifted a while ago.</p>
<p>„You’re my home.“</p>
<p>His fingers squeezed yours at your words. Again, he dragged you onto his chest to wrap his arm over your body and hold you as close as possible. His skin was warm under yours. Some bruises hurt under the pressure but you didn’t mind. You never cared because the intimacy between you two was way too satisfying to draw back from it.</p>
<p>„How much is out there that you didn’t tell me yet?“</p>
<p>A lot, you thought, but before telling him about it, he cut you off.</p>
<p>„You know, Y/N, even though I realised what person I wanted to be, even though I wanted to have more time with you, I wouldn’t have stopped Four from killing me.“ Eric’s words were hurting and he tried to hold you tighter, closer. „How can I ever make up for the things I’ve done under Jeanine’s command? I don’t think it’s even remotely possible.“</p>
<p>„To be honest, I don’t know, Eric.“ His conflict, the guilt – you remembered that. It was no different for you when you had freshly left London. You had done things you never thought you would be capable of doing. And until today, you didn’t know if you’d ever be able to recover from that. But being sent to Chicago and given the opportunity to prevent something like it from happening again was a step in the right direction.</p>
<p>Brushing some hair out of his eyes you leaned back on his chest again. „We could try to start over again. Make a real impact this time.“</p>
<p>„What do you mean?“</p>
<p>„We could go to… London.“</p>
<p>His eyes widened. For a while he tried to process what your words meant. And with every passing minute you sensed him relax more. „I think that’s a good idea.“</p>
<p>„Me too.“</p>
<p>„And you know what?“ With his hand under your chin he made you look him in the eyes. „London won’t happen again.“</p>
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